Svutlana

Svutlana think about happy happy that please God

2012-02-02T07:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Svutlana,

I asked a biblical site if it was okay if I engage in foreplay before marriage but not have intercourse. The answer I got was that I should do nothing that arouses desire for fornication and that "marriage is the realm in which God has given men and women the right to satisfy their sexual desires in a way that is pleasing to Him and is best for society."

I thought I'd come here to get another opinion.

Dear Mr Biblical,

Thank you too much for ask Svutlana for biblical sex question second opinion, Mr Biblical. As everybody who read Svutlana blog from time for time know, Svutlana be amateur Bible scholar with particular admirations for Song of Solomon.

Whenever Svutlana have biblical sex question, refer me for this article on academic scholarship with regard for sex in Bible. Article highlight contradictions of Bible and common misconceptions--for examples how biblical marriage be sacred union between one man and countless womens and how Sodom and Gomorrah story be caution tail about dangers of make happy happy with angels.

In end, Bible pose more question than it answer, Mr Biblical. We all long for certainty in life and interpretation of Bible in for anti-sex slogans that pick cherries can give comforts because we no have for think too much about Just No Do It. But one of most important duty we have as humans be for think.

Bible character introduce wife five for wife one.

It seem for me that there be Christian who drive around with little fish on car who, if meet Jesus on street, would say for sure this mens be vegan occupier of local park who strum guitar with sad eye and sing protest song about fall of corporatism and rise of socialize medicine. These peoples would no like Jesus one little bit and would say his stigmata be mark of mens with messy hairs who no work for live and pass times in park with hug trees with sharp needles.

For Svutlana, Jesus embody compassionate love and oneness of all humanities, and if you do anything with love and compassion--include premarry foreplays--you automatical be except from eternal punishment. That be said, there be multitude of punishments available here on earth, many of which be self-inflict with encouragement of peoples who think they wear little earphone like at Unite Nations and be sole interpreter for Word of God.

Unfortunate, Svutlana no have answer for your question, Mr Biblical. Svutlana only have answer for Svutlana. Svutlana vice for you be go for quiet place, kneel in prayer and ask for guidance about what kind of sex be please for God. Ask if watch rerun of marry couple satisfy sexual desires be most please for God when He have so many other couples for choose from.

Svutlana

Premature Eggjaculations

2012-01-31T10:29:00.002-05:00

Thank you too much for apokaliptic comic who answer age-old question. Egg come first, but would be chicken if egg do kegel exercise for improve pubic control mechanism or if focus on try for proper marinate chicken first.

It be wise womens who discover beer (Plato)

2012-01-30T09:25:00.000-05:00

Svutlana,

My wife has a very large vagina. She enjoys masturbation and I have even seen her use a beer bottle inserted. Is it normal to have such a large vagina?

Dear Mr Beer,

Thank you too much for "be it normal?" question that always find me entertain, Mr Beer. In general, beer bottle fuck only be abnormal if leave cap on. Ouch me too much this, but if can use cervix for remove bottle cap, you qualify for vaginal hall of fames.

Obvious, you have absolute no ideas about amaze properties of vagina, Mr Beer, and never be present at birth of baby where vagina pass item size of small beer keg. Vagina be extreme elastic and can accommodate most household item. In Svutlana opinion, insert beer bottle in for vagina be excellent recycle idea.

Maybe you think it be strange, but sometime womens feel extreme expansive and just like for be bottled up.

Svutlana

Word with job in it usual involve some work

2012-01-28T10:11:00.001-05:00

Svutlana,

My girlfriend and i have been dating for over a year and i have only ever gotten head three times but i go down on her a lot. When i asked her why she said that her last boyfriend was really forceful and she was turned away from blowjobs. I recently found out that it has little to nothing to do with her past boyfriends forcefulness, it's that she simply doesn't like the feeling. When I pressed her she said it was only 2% not liking it. Mostly, she said it just felt awkward. What can i do to change it to something that's a chore for her?

Dear Mr Chore,

Thank you too much for question, but Svutlana no be exact sure why you want for change blowjob from something girlfriend no want for do in for chore. Svutlana first piece of vice for you be for raise your expectations, Mr Chore. Need you for want for change blowjob in for something girlfriend actual enjoy for do.

That be said, maybe change blowjob from aversion in for chore be more realistic goal.

Svutlana never before hear "Most of dislike for blowjob be because it feel awkward" as excuse for no give blowjob. Think me this be code word for say, "If penis belong in my mouth, would have me face like bottlenose dolphin." Yes, gashooshlank feel awkward in mouth. That why it be call blowjob. There be little bit of work involve in blowjob for do.

Svutlana know why bottlenose dolphin always smile.

Can maybe make blowjob more palatable for girlfriend with show her that you wash gashooshlank and put little bit ice sugar on top, but if she dislike blowjob so much that she make up lie about previous boyfriend for get pity from you so can weasel out of, there only be one thing you can do. Stop with go down on girlfriend and see if girlfriend, of her own free will, decide that blowjob be worth trade for cunnilingus.

If you perform oral sex trade-off experiment and it fail, need you for make decision. Need you for decide what be more important in your life--girlfriend or blowjob. Need you for decide because guarantee me, three time per year be girlfriend blowjob peak. If you marry this womens, blowjob frequency immediate go down for one time each years on birthday and by six-year anniversary that be commemorate with wood objects, blowjob complete disappear from marriage and then what you do? Svutlana tell you what you do. Like Svutlana grandmother Svutnana always say, "If blowjob be chore, there always be whore."

Svutlana

Svutlana consider interprovincial access

2012-01-26T10:00:00.000-05:00

svutlana. two questions. i’ve heard that women in quebec (i live in toronto, canada) engage in anal sex more than in ontario – both are provinces in canada. is there any truth to it? i want to try anal sex, so how do i go about asking a woman to have anal sex with me?

Dear Mr Anal,

Thank you too much for question about interprovincial difference in preference for anal sex. Svutlana have copy of Canada census and as far as can see me, there be no question about anal sex on either short-form or long-form census. In Svutlana opinion, absence of anal question from census be most grievous oversight of Canada government that cause unnecessary stresses for mens who be in for anal, but have absolute no ideas what province offer most ass.

Unfortunate, Canada census also have no measurement for same sex couple...

You be new for anal, Mr Anal. In general, anal happy happy be something you work up for gradual with partner as level of intimacy and trust increase and no be something you ask for right off bats. Anal sex still come load with taboo for many peoples, Mr Anal, and paradoxical, more anal womens be, less likely she be in for anal sex because for sure she think that it make big mess.

Vice Svutlana have for you if you want for try anal sex and no have patience for relationship where must wait for anal sex with cajole womens with artful use of well-lubricate finger and maybe have for plead for entry in for anal passage with bouquet of snapdragons is for hire professional womens. Pay toll charge for enter anal passage of professional womens be best way for you for go and for sure this service be available no matter what province you live in.

Svutlana

Prostatic Post II: Merrymake with Prostate

2012-01-24T13:00:00.000-05:00

Svutlana continue Prostatic Post for Mr Prostate with discuss how for play with prostate.

Svutlana recommend you designate evening for prostatic explorations, Mr Prostate. Draw warm bath, put on Delta blues music (Svutlana recommend Muddy Waters for anal explorations) and relax while partner who perform procedure warm up water-base lubricants and give hand good manicure. In Svutlana opinion, nothing spoil moods of prostatic massage quite as fast as fingernail embed in for walls of anal canal.

Relax be one of most ingredient of anal massage and you be responsible for this, Mr Prostate. For sure you be familiar with anal sensations, but for those who be unfamiliar, sphincter have two line of muscular defense. One set of sphincter muscle be under conscious control and be use when you be gaseous and try for keep colonic fumes inside your body (for some reasons, Svutlana always be beside mens on treadmill with faulty front line sphincter defenses).

Other set of sphincter muscle automatical tighten when something be press against. Second set of sphincter muscle need for be train. Can train second line of anal defense for relax when encounter intruder with practice in shower with stick finger inside anus or assort object when masturbate.

Svutlana say many time, but it be worth say again: anus be like vacuum clean machine. Anus love for suck up whatever you present for it and if you lose something inside, go for emergency room immediate. No try for retrieve item yourself because, like try for extract blueberry that be stick inside straw, attempt for extract item only push it more deep inside.

Obvious somebody think that just because toy be name Hot Wheel, it be good ideas for roll up ass.

Okay. So now you be relax and clean and partner be ready with well-lubricate index finger poise in air with or without surgical glove. Begin massage with rub prostate from outside through perineum that be area between anus and scrotum (vulva in female) that Svutlana call Ball Street because can hit jackpots here. Perineum be excellent place for impromptu massage if you happen for be in vicinity of Ball Street with time on your hand.

After massage perineum and feel relax, lie on back and allow partner for slow enter anus with well-lubricate finger. Insert finger rough one inch and feel around in 'come here' motion with finger toward front of body. Prostate feel like round bulb and should only be touch with pad of finger. When touch prostate, you should feel subtle sensation in penis, Mr Prostate. Experiment with different speed and pressure and once find motion that feel nice, maybe you want for request additional item.

Blow job pair extreme well with prostate massage. Also baco noir.

If you want more informations about prostate and other extreme pleasurable anal expeditions, Svutlana high recommend Jack Morin who be expert connasseur.

Hopeful Svutlana help you with seek and enjoy prostate.

Svutlana

Prostatic Post Part I: Where be Locate Prostate?

2012-01-20T17:24:00.000-05:00

Svutlana,

I enjoy anal sex a lot but I can't tell if my partner (or my own finger or self-wielded toy for that matter) is actually on the prostate. I've tried various curved anal sex toys...and even tried to pay close attention last time my doctor did a prostate exam (not a sexual situation, of course, but for sure he was touching it!). Anything I can do to increase my sensitivity?

I read somewhere that prostate stimulation is the goal and that just going in and and out probably doesn't feel good. I disagree. The sensations I get around the sphincter are very erotic indeed. My favorite is slow out and fast (well, not TOO fast) in.

Dear Mr Prostate,

Thank you too much for question about prostate, gland that Svutlana consider for be jewel of anal passage. And thank you also for share favorite sphincter sensations. Svutlana encourage everyone for uncover secrets of sphincter if no already do so*.

Prostate come from Greek word προστάτης (pronounce prostatees) that literal mean one that stand guard. What prostate guard? Prostate be guardian of bladder, Mr Prostate and actual wrap itself around urethra like donut around straw.

Prostate be responsible for one part of three-part ejaculate mixture that consist of tiny bit of sperms, medium shot of prostate fluid and big squirt of gelatinous fluid from seminal vesicles. Svutlana no go in for details about 300 ingredients that go in for ejaculate here, but prostate role in ejaculation have implication for sex pleasures. If want you gusher, that be gay word for super-ejaculation that result from prostate manipulations, come you for right place.

It be no surprises that prostate exam result in little sensations, Mr Prostate. Doctor can only reach about one-third of prostate with exam and most doctor simple play tag with prostate with stick finger in fast, touch gland for make sure it be there and seem for be healthy and pull out finger fast. You maybe no enjoy prostate exam, but it no be high point of doctor day either, Mr Prostate.

You say you try curve anal sex toy. Try you Crystal Wand, Mr Prostate?

Svutlana recommend Crystal Wand for solo prostate expeditions, but hold on tight for wand because there be nothing more difficult for explain for receptionist at emergency ward than you need for find whereabout of rogue anal probe.

Svutlana give you prostate map so you can find...

If you hit bladder, Mr Prostate, go you too far.

Svutlana vice for you be for get partner for lead prostatic expedition, Mr Prostate. Prostate massage be specialize skill, but Svutlana give instructions for do. (Can also find prostate massage in Likipedia that be Svutlandia Wikipedia.)

Svutlana save prostate manipulations for next post, so stay tune!

Svutlana

* In general when it come for anus, Svutlana recommend slow in and slow out. You maybe think slow in fast out be good combination, but anal passage tend no for like anything that make quick exit because it seem for be untrustworthy.

Svutlana promote orgasm donations

2012-01-17T08:37:00.000-05:00

It be good for donate orgasm. In Svutlandia we mark license plate with orgasm donor symbol that be little white splat.

Svutlana consider penile aesthetics also know as aesthedicks

2012-01-14T14:23:00.001-05:00

I'm just curious, Svutlana. Do people think penises look better when they or flaccid or erect? I'm sure some people are going to say that they never actually look "good" but I was just wondering.

Dear Mr Penis,

Erect.

Serious, Svutlana address you as mens Mr Penis, because Svutlana believe you must be mens because it be rare womens who would ask Svutlana about attractiveness of gashooshlank. That be said, many womens (include Svutlana) observe penis in assort states and think about how it look and whether it be worth make clay impression for display this fucsimile Svutlana entitle "Last lays of Pompeii" inside curio cabinet with figurines Countess of Chell and Mr Pecksniff.

Penis be fascinate organ because have ability for change size and shapes in response for stimuli. Toad also be able for change size and shapes when puff up in response for dangers and armadillo curl up in for ball. Unfortunate, toad and armadillo no be particular flatter comparison with penis and, in general, nobody trust anything that need for change appearance for appear more big or more small.

Unfortunate, gashooshlank suffer with comparison for similar phenomena in nature

All that be said, when beholder be in state of excite, everybody forget sad sack penis that spend most of times inert between leg with nothing for do, and gashooshlank be transform in for most beauteous and stalwart instrument of pleasures. Everybody look at with awes, even owner of gashooshlank, who sometime think about his penis as separate entity with own name and quirk personality.

Erect penis be awesome, but alas, after make happy happy, gashooshlank, like prince in fairy tale, again become frog.

Svutlana

Oral please should never be gag order

2012-01-11T08:56:00.003-05:00

Svutlana,

I am 45 years old and have been with my boyfriend for quite a while. I have always enjoyed giving him a blowjob and he always seemed to really enjoy it. However, in the last six months or so he has started doing something that makes it really unenjoyable for me. Lately, he has been forcing my head to make me "deep throat" him. It totally makes me gag and makes my eyes water and I have started to hate to give him blowjobs because of it. He has never ever done that until now.

I have tried things to get rid of my gag reflex but it is no use. I have always thought that I give him good head, I use my hands and go down as far as comfortable for me. I have started to think that maybe he was "taught" this by another woman and now he wants it from me. I don't know what to do! Is deep throating and hearing me gag and tear up really all that enjoyable for him? I even went a far as vomiting on him once, I was so embarassed and he teases me about it all time.

I have lost all enjoyment of giving head to him. Please help!

Dear Ms Gag Order,

Thank you too much for question that make Svutlana gag, Ms Gag Order. There be something about lover who make joke when you throw up on him that Svutlana find ineffable. In other word, Svutlana would no eff this mens if at all possibles.

Good sex always be about empathy, Ms Gag Order. Even when one partner be on knees with leash and ball gag, there always be implicit respect for submissive wants and needs. If somebody throw up on Svutlana during happy happy, Svutlana would want for know exact what happen, would profuse apologize if Svutlana have something for do with induce vomit and would draw up detail plan for prevent vomit from happen again in future. For sure everybody who read your question say for self "What for fuck? Why this womens no simple say, 'No like me deep throat one little bit, never do me deep throat again' and let that be that?"

For sure this be most obvious vice and for sure Ms Gag Order, you think about express displeasures, but for some reason you no do. You think problem be with your technique rather than boyfriend assholeness. Guarantee me, deep throat be enjoyable for him, Ms Gag Order. Boyfriend no hear your gags or see your tears and even treat your vomit like it be part of show like no only give you head, but you also be volcano. His pleasure complete muffle your pains, Ms Gag Order, therefore need you for turn up volume on your pains so boyfriend can hear them.

Vice Svutlana have for you be inspire by Bob Dylan and little bit unorthodox, but it hopeful be therapeutic for you and for sure boyfriend get message.

For follow Svutlana vice, need you several large cards and one Sharpie for prepare message in advances and place under bed. At precise moment boyfriend put hand on back of your head and start for push you down that shaft, jump up from bed, take card that you place under bed and reveal as follow.

Discovery of Fellatio

2012-01-10T08:15:00.001-05:00

Svutlana get question about product placement

2012-01-08T13:55:00.002-05:00

Dear Svutlana,

I am admittedly inexperienced and my boyfriend is the only sex partner I've ever had. Every time we've ever had sex, he pulls out early and lets his sperm out on my stomach or my back. Is that something men like to do? I would think doing it inside would be more enjoyable.

Dear Ms Placement,

Thank you too much for extreme fascinate question about prefer ejaculatory locations, Ms Placement. Love me too much ejaculatory mysteries, particular when Svutlana have opportunities for explore assort ejaculatory motives.

Svutlana can tell you right off bats that what you describe no be particular common because, like dribble little bit urine beside toilet bowls, mens know that ejaculate on top womens bodies no necessary be something womens like them for do. Some womens find this behavior for be aggressive, like when dog pee on trees for mark territory. If you no like what boyfriend do, Ms Placement, Svutlana first piece of vice be for tell him. And for all mens who read Svutlana vice column, vice Svutlana have for you be for get ejaculatory clearance before make sperm deposit. Ask for permissions be basic ejaculatory etiquette.

Location of ejaculate on stomach or back no seem for be boyfriend imitation of pornographic film trope because usual in porno film, ejaculate be aim at breast or face. Boyfriend obvious withdraw gashooshlank at climactic moment and, depend on whether he approach you from top or from bottom, ejaculate land willy nilly on stomach or back. Boyfriend no seem for particular care where sperm land, he simple want for watch his orgasm and admire it in fetishistic fashions.

Of course other possible explanation be that boyfriend use ancient withdrawal birth control method that be responsible for ancient population explosions. Hopeful this no be case and hopeful you both have complete STD work-up at Mayo Clinic because you obvious be practice with unsafe sex, Ms Location.

Guarantee me, boyfriend find process of watch ejaculatory fountain extreme enjoyable, Ms Placement. Question Svutlana have for you be find you process of ejaculate on your body enjoyable or no. If no like one little bit, need you for tell boyfriend. If be okay with, just be thankful you can mop up easy easy with Swiffer and no have problems with tuna boat smell next days if your insides no mix well with boyfriend.

Svutlana

p.s. Apparent, womens can make fountains too.

Svutlana love for do Shakespeare inside park!

2011-12-27T08:07:00.003-05:00

Svutlana Top Ten Happy Happy Gift for 2011

2011-12-24T09:02:00.000-05:00

Thank you too much for come for Svutlana Top Ten Happy Happy Gift for 2011. List be intend for extreme last minute shoppers or peoples who find money in envelope on December 25 or have gift refund monies they like for spend on something happy happy. With no further do-do, Svutlana present list of ten item with no particular orders.

Loreena McKennitt Seeds of Love CD that feature God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemens (or God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemens)

For Christmas song, Loreena McKennitt rendition of God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemens be strange sensuous, like yuletide belly dance in sultan tent. Turn me on little bits this song and whoever make this video for sure also sense extreme erotic subtext with make Angelina Jolie and shirtless merry gentlemens accompany song.

God rest ye merry. Then make Svutlana merry again one times.

Motivational apron

Am no exact sure Svutlana pair apron with funeral director blouse, but it definite pay for advertise this delectable exchange of service.

Buzz machine inside pantie

Make next festive party even more festive when you wear remote control buzz machine inside your pantie. Can keep remote control for self or give for ADHD person at party you think be most trigger happy.

Gashooshlank Ring

...in hope that Saint Dickolaus soon will be there.

Chardonnay Jellies

On top cracker or rub in for clitoris, chardonnay jellies be extreme versatile gift.

Tenga Egg

Carton of masturbatory egg be perfect gift for mens who fuck everything.

Buzz Machine Tree Ornament

With only one AAA battery, this duck no be serious buzz machine, but make lovely statement for tree and if family get too much for you, you can take little hammer, break ornament, remove buzz machine and go for town.

Invitation for Happy Happy Workshop

Nothing say love you too much for wife or husband like invitation for Happy Non-Monogamy workshop. Maybe can bundle together in for non-monogamy flog fist gift basket.

Lelo Earl

At rough $900 with 18K gold plates, Lelo Earl come with match cuff link so that everybody know you be in for high-end prostate massages. Earl can also be use as pestle for holiday baking and have nice grip for finger for maneuverability and for hold on so that Earl no accidental slip in for anal passage. Emergency room trip for extract sex toy be gold-plate way for ruin holiday spirits.

Svutlana Gashooshlank Shortbread

Nothing say festive around Svutlana house more than platter of gashooshlank shortbread cookie that make beautiful homemake gift. Can find you recipe here.

Happy Happy Holiday for Everybody!!
Svutlana

Problem with acquieassence

2011-12-21T10:37:00.002-05:00

Svutlana,

My boyfriend and I have been together and been having anal sex for over a year. In the beginning he pressured me into it and I got into it because it made him happy. A year+ later I am sick to death of it and mildly resentful. I want to get back into the swing of things because it's intimate and loving. What can I do to get myself to like having anal sex again?

Dear Ms Sick for Death,

Thank you too much for letter that remind Svutlana why Svutlana be in vice business. Happy happy be about sex that make two (or more) peoples happy. Profuse apologize me in advances for say, but boyfriend be dicktator and you take it up ass in more way than one, Ms Sick for Death. It no be your job for make boyfriend happy if it mean you must do something that you no like. Boyfriend take advantage of you as all dicktator try for do, but you be sex genie, Ms Sick for Death. Who no want for take advantage of sex genie who always acquieass?

Svutlana vice for you be simple. Tell boyfriend that you no longer wish for engage in anal intercourse except on rare occasion when you be in moods for insert large object inside your anal passage. You may be tempt for take out flip chart and start for list reasons...

but your desire for take break from anal sex be only reason you need for provide, Ms Sick for Death. You be sex genie and therefore for sure it be difficult for you for follow Svutlana vice that give your needs equal importance with boyfriend needs, but you must do if you want for have sex life you deserve. There be no way for make yourself like anal sex if you no like, Ms Sick for Death. Can no close eye with imagine your anus be penne pasta and boyfriend pour nice madeira sauce in for it.

Who tell you anal sex be intimate and love and therefore you should like? Sound for me like intimate and love be advertisement for anal sex that boyfriend make in for fridge magnet for make you want for do. There be many love and intimate things for do that no require that you try for force your desires for fit desires of boyfriend, Ms Sick for Death.

Svutlana recommend that you put list of your desires on for flip chart and present for boyfriend.

warm regard you,

Svutlana

Svutlana try for explain gag rules

2011-12-17T12:53:00.005-05:00

Svutlana,

How do you give a blowjob without gagging? Somebody told me I should swallow the penis. Is this correct? I'm freaking out thinking my boyfriend might make me vomit!

Lady Gag

Dear Lady Gag,

Thank you too much Lady Gag for ask Svutlana how for give blowjob with no vomit. Svutlana be here for reassure you right off bats that blowjob no need for be gag order. First piece of vice Svutlana have for you be for no think too much about exact what you do.

No think about history of gashooshlank before it be in your face. No think about urinal at football stadium or masturbate with Rhino or vagina of other womens or womens with big cold sore who maybe give this gashooshlank blowjob before you. And for sake of heaven, no think about sperms that be live creature with tails that wiggle. Need you for be present in moments with put mind over gagger, Lady Gag. Be total present with enjoy blowjob application and no somewhere back in past with worry about where gashooshlank be or out in future with worry about where contents of gashooshlank maybe go.

Once you be face for face with gashooshlank, what you do? If you be blowjob apprentice, no insert entire length of gashooshlank all at once or guarantee me, your eyes will bulge and you will look around quick for place for spit gashooshlank out. But there be nowhere for spit out because as soon as you take full length of gashooshlank inside your mouth, partner will think he all of sudden meet Deep Throat of his wet dreams and will immediate lock his hands behind your head like it be football and he be take you in for touchdown. This be when you panic and panic be when you gag, Lady Gag. Nothing ruin blowjob moods quite so fast than womens who be trap on gashooshlank and try for escape with flail arms like maybe Coast Guard come for save her.

Gag be reflex for protect throat from intruder that maybe choke you, Lady Gag. Swallow say everything in mouth be good for go and therefore cancel gag reflex, so whoever gave you vice for swallow be correct. That be said, Svutlana recommend you proceed with cautions. Get use for stick gashooshlank-like item in for your mouth so can train soft pallate (roof of mouth closest to throat) no for gag.

When you stick assort items inside your mouth, Lady Gag, you will find out how strong your gag reflex be. 25% of womens have no gag reflex at all, so maybe you be lucky. Start with finger and work up for banana. And when you be ready for blow, be sure for blow slow. Start with insert tip and gradual increase. You no have for be sword swallow womens, Lady Gag. Can insert as far as you feel comfortable and let hand do rest of work.

In Svutlana opinion, intricate choreography and theatricality of performance be far more important than perform sword trick that maybe make you gag. Please no worry, Lady Gag. Think of gag like we do in Svutlandia where gag reflex be innate tendencies for play jokes on lover with flail arms and pretend for gag when give blowjob.

Svutlana

Svutlana hunt for Rhino

2011-12-14T17:30:00.013-05:00

Svutlana,

I was looking for a new product to use with my fiancé, so I was reading the reviews of products for couples and happened to stumble across The Rhino. I am very intrigued by the description of this particular product, but am having trouble wrapping my head around it. What do you think?

Dear Ms Rhino,

Thank you too much for extreme fascinate sexual device question. Can understand me your confuse, Ms Rhino, because never see me before sex product quite like Rhino that basical be smooth silicone tube for attach for penis that slice you and dice you...but...wait!...it do you in more ways.

Rhino do you five way with five sexual solution for when you need extra piece of penis.

1. Penis extend with partner

2. Buzz machine extend with or with no partner

3. Penis extend with no partner

4. Dildo

5. Anal penetrate

Six if you use for bud vase. Seven if use for ring toss. Eight if use Rhino for hold candle. And can put Rhino on prong inside dishwash machine after use so can imagine ejaculate on dinner plates. In Svutlandia we wash sex toys in dishwasher with dinner plate and, after come out of dishwash machine, use plate for serve special scramble egg dish we call toss fertilization.

Where be me?

Svutlana no be exact sure about Rhino, Ms Rhino. How you feel if fiancé come for you with device that you attach for breast for make them more big? Svutlana be sample size of one, but for me size matter only like on carnival ride where prefer me you be at least five inch for get on ride, but if you no meet minimum size requirement, Svutlana will let you get on ride anyway. For sure some womens have strong preference for big gashooshlank, but even if you be one of these womens Ms Rhino, Svutlana no think that present Rhino penis extend for husband-for-be be best way for kick off marriage.

Svutlana no be exact sure about Rhino motion transfer technology either that just sound for me like fancy word for fuck. Apparent there be strategic place inside Rhino with pleasure rings, but these pleasure ring no seem for be like high technology ring you find on space shuttle, Ms Rhino. Somebody simple cut ring pattern inside Rhino so that Rhino feel like fuck Slinky and say Rhino be good for go with advance technologies.

Svutlana also worry about how for fit Rhino on for gashooshlank because one of most frequent ask question be "Why Rhino occasional fall off?" Need you for stick little plug at tip of Rhino so that vacuum seal prevent Rhino from fall off. In Svutlana opinion, nothing ruin moods more fast than when part of penis fall off in middle of fuck. But, unfortunate, plug that keep penis on tight make process of take off Rhino like empty fondue pot at end of evening.

Rhino cost $69.95 with free ships in discreet package so letter carrier no know you need for top up. Be smooth silicone tube with Slinkies inside worth $69.95 for you, Ms Rhino? Only you can answer this questions.

No listen for Svutlana if no want for listen because Svutlana have strong opinions about product that try for impose bigger penis on partner or try for enlarge buzz machine that probable already be suitable size for you and as last resort say you can shove Rhino up your ass.

Svutlana
p.s.
Here be video for Rhino if you still be interest, Ms Rhino. Have me no ideas about you, but when watch demonstrate of slip Rhino on top of chocolate gashooshlank, wonder me if Svutlana doorway be big enough for let Rhino in...little bit ouch me for watch this video.

Some humors need no translations...

2011-12-13T08:03:00.000-05:00

In Svutlana opinion, cartoon like this, although extreme funny, be main reason for gag response in womens. No womens like for think about ugly green creature with big eye, long tail and flashlight that maybe swim around inside them with look for nearest exit.

What you no know may squirt you

2011-12-12T08:56:00.001-05:00

Hi Svutlana,

I'm a virgin and I squirt nearly every time I masturbate. Is that normal? Somebody told me only 10% of women know how to squirt and it means I have a good mind-vagina connection. Apparently I should teach other women how to squirt based on what I know, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be teaching.

Dear Ms Squirgin,

Thank you too much for squirt question that become part of sub-genre of Svutlana blog. Half questions worry about squirt and other half worry about no squirt. You seem for be special case however, Ms Squirgin. You be special case because you squirt but worry because you no be able for teach squirt class at Learn Annex. Like womens with ESPs, you have no ideas how gift of squirt be bestow upon you.

No worries. You no be Amaze Kreskin of vagina, Ms Squirgin. Whoever tell you you have good mind-vagina connection because you squirt in Svutlana opinion be complete off tracks. Svutlana say you have good mind-vagina connection because you masturbate. Have you good mind-skene gland connection because you squirt.

And what be source of 10% squirt statistic? Farmers Almanac? If it be sexual and it come from womens, for sure there be someone out there who want for harvest perceive inadequacies so can make some money from 90% who be squirtless.

Oh, Ms Squirgin. Please continue for enjoy masturbate and no worry about mechanics of how for produce sexual by-products.

Svutlana

Svutlana recommend nice accessorize...

2011-12-11T11:09:00.001-05:00

Who no like for accessorize room with anal plug?

Oh, Svutlana love too much new Henry Miller chair!

2011-12-10T11:36:00.002-05:00

Svutlana new chair be extreme ergorotic and feature perfect marriage of form and fuction

Svutlana try for be decisive

2011-12-08T10:20:00.001-05:00

hello svutlana. my girlfriend and i have been together for almost three years and we both want to try some new stuff in bed but we are both very indecisive about what to try. could you give us some help please?

Dear Mr Indecisive,

Thank you too much for open-end question, but why you want stranger for tell you what for do with girlfriend? Go you around shop mall with clipboard and ask assort peoples inside William-Sonoma store and Banana Republics what you should eat for dinner?

Have you sexual tastes and preferences, Mr Indecisive, and need you for get in touch with them. Discover new sexual adventure definite take some efforts, but it no be work like research for find best mortgage. Most peoples spend more time with find nice place for have vacations than they spend with try for find nice ways for turn on. It never cease for amaze Svutlana how few peoples set erotic goals, explore assort erotic destinations or read books for tell them what for do when arrive at erotic destinations.

Svutlana vice for you be for read erotic stories with girlfriend and watch erotic travel films, Mr Indecisive. For sure this give you some ideas.

Svutlana only tell you exact what for do if Svutlana get for watch.

Svutlana

p.s. Have me one other ideas, Mr Indecisive. Svutlana prepare poll for you so everybody can vote on what you should do with girlfriend...

Svutlana consider rules of engorgement

2011-12-06T10:36:00.000-05:00

ok, Svutlana. I want to know if it is physically possible for a female to orgasm without stimulating the clitoris...my boyfriend wants me to orgasm but with out rubbing my clit. He wants me to use only a dildo or his dick for inside stimulation....yeah kind of weird but is it possible? ...because I tried to and failed, I'm not sure if I didn't wait long enough or had enough stamina to keep violently masturbating. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Dear Ms Possible,

Thank you too much for female orgasm question that beg question WHAT FOR FUCK? Excuse me too much, but why you allow boyfriend for set orgasmic conditions for you, Ms Possible? This mens also make you brush your teeth with no use hands?

Answer for this question be yes, in theories it be possible for have no touch orgasm--there be womens who have orgasm on treadmill for absolute no reasons. It also be possible in theory for eat steak like lion eat impala on steppe, but that no mean anybody want for do it. You no be circus animal, Ms Possible. What you think boyfriend say if you tell him for have orgasm where you no stimulate his penis and only use dildo on his anal passage while watch episode of Glee?

Apologize me too much for say, but you probable no be one of these treadmill orgasm womens (unfortunate Svutlana no be either) who can spontaneous orgasm with no direct clitoral stimulate, Ms Possible. What you do be like what most peoples do when get in for car and discover car battery be dead. You turn key more hard and more fast with think this will sudden provide sparks for start car. In other word, it be Svutlana experience that masturbation only become violent and stamina only become necessary when orgasm become hopeless.

You no do anything wrong Ms Possible except for allow boyfriend for be dicktator. Vice Svutlana have for you be for tell him his dickish orgasm experiment be official over.

Svutlana

Svutlana try for give sensible vice

2011-12-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

Svutlana,

My girlfriend and I really enjoy our sex life. We're never afraid of trying new things and we're pretty open about talking about it to each other too. There's nothing I like more than pleasing her, but when I give her an orgasm by stimulating her clitoris with my tongue or fingers, after that she asked me to stop because she is too sensible to continue. Now I'd love to continue giving her more and she says she'd like it too but because of that I'll stop going on her and she'll please me instead. But I would really like to find a way I could give her more than one orgasm. Am I forcing it or is there a way I could please her even more without stimulating her extremely sensible clitoris?

Dear Mr Sensible,

Thank you too much for question about extreme sensible clitoris, Mr Sensible. For some reasons idea of clitoris that be extreme sensible and womens who sudden become too sensible after orgasm make Svutlana laugh too much. Have me no ideas about other womens, but if there be one place on Svutlana body that no be sensible, it be clitoris. And if there be one time that Svutlana no be sensible, it be immediate before and after orgasm.

Most time after orgasm Svutlana no all of sudden feel sensible like have enough with sex and must immediate get dress with put on flat shoe and balance check book while run microfiber cloth over table lamp. That be said, know me what you mean Mr Sensible, and you simple use sensible in unusual, but no incorrect way. Usual Svutlana use word sensitive for describe clitoris after orgasm and word sensible for describe other peoples.

You no have clitoris, so Svutlana will try for describe how sensible clitoris feel after orgasm, Mr Sensible. After orgasm clitoris feel like...

Static electrical science experiment

...maybe it just be Svutlana, but Svutlana clitoris feel like it be rough 100,000 time normal size and that if you touch it, Svutlana hair will stand on ends.

All this preamble for one simple piece of vice that be cure for sensible clitoris. Time. Unfortunate, Svutlana no be back of Uncle Ben box that will tell you exact long must leave girlfriend clitoris simmer before she be ready for eat again. Time depend on womens, so you must make experiment. Try five minute for leave clitoris alone and see how that go. If clitoris no be ready, test every minute thereafter.

Think maybe this be sensible vice for you.

Svutlana

Svutlana take on monster question

2011-11-29T23:10:00.004-05:00

Svutlana,

I am a man who is about 6-7 inches fully aroused. (Svutlana congratulate you profuse.) But vibrators scare the life out of me. Now I know what you are thinking, don't be silly, or you are a weak-minded man. (Svutlana no think this one bit.) But hear me out. (Svutlana be listen.) And give me some advice if you can because this is becoming a deep-rooted issue that has already ruined two relationships and is threatening my current relationship.

Every single woman these past few times has a HUGE battery powered boyfriend (referred henceforth as the bf). At first it made me laugh, but then I thought will I ever satisfy her sexually as much as her bf. Rightly or wrongly this is important to me. I am slowly accepting that the bf will always beat me in this department hands down, (and hand up) but it is a hard pill for me to swallow (should word no be HUGE pill for swallow?).

The size is a major issue for me; I just feel like I am not her ideal. (Svutlana think maybe this sentence be where Freud slip on keyboard.) She may drop the line "Size doesn't matter" but why CHOOSE the monster bf if size is a non-issue? Size is clearly an important factor. (Maybe yes, maybe no...)

Another thing is my own satisfaction. Previously after they had used the bfs I could no longer feel the girl as much when I was inside her. It's not as tight and its sometimes near impossible for me to cum. I can pretty much tell when a woman has used the monster bf. (Svutlana address this comment in moment.)

So my current girl freezes and the mild panic is visible on her face every time I ask to see her bf. Anyway I found it the other day and it actually was humungous, bigger than my initial fears. But I don't want to dump her, because she is nice. (How magnanimous for you.) And I can't keep on running from the monster bf, because every woman seems to have one.

This is bugging me and actually really turning me off to the point where I don't want to have sex with her as much, or anyone else for that matter for fear of the monster in the closet. (Svutlana keep monster under bed.)

Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated. (No worries. Svutlana give you some good vice.)

Dear Mr Monster,

Thank you too much for question of man versus machine, Mr Monster.

First, Svutlana must dust off gashooshlank census chart again one times for show you where you land on penile distribute curve...

Although you only give rough measure with between six for seven inch, you do you extreme well compare with other mens in gashooshlank census, Mr Monster. But size compare with buzz machine be something else. Buzz machine in theories can be as big as womens can lift comfortable with one hand and cervix be limit. Sexual arouse with vagina in tent formation, distance from vulva for cervix be rough nine inch.

Please no cry, Mr Monster. Svutlana no start for cry because can never look like inflate doll or Miss Pamela Andersons. Svutlana be happy happy for be Svutlana. Maybe you be happy with who you be also, but you need for look at role you play with attract monsters. It seem for me that more you fear monster buzz machine, more you attract womens who have monster machines in for your life.

That be said, maybe you need for think more deep about monster, Mr Monster. There be length of buzz machine and there be insertable length. Insertable length usual be considerable less than object appear. No womens want for insert monster all ways inside in case vagina swallow up monster and she never see monster again. Part of monster be handle, so you can feel better about monster by four for six inches right off bats.

You seem for think your penis be divine rod that can tell when womens use monster because monster stretch vagina out of shapes and make womens feel loose for you. Profuse apologize me in advances for say, but this be bullshit, Mr Monster. Womens who insert large object in for vagina--unless they insert object size of roaster chicken and leave it inside vagina for six hour like they try for slow cook it--return for normal dimensions immediate. You only think you can tell if you get sloppy monster seconds.

Svutlana think you neither be silly nor weak-mind, Mr Monster. Svutlana think you be extreme strong-mind mens who hold on extreme tight for silly thought. There be many ways for please womens, most of which no involve penis or monster and hopeful you know what these ways be and you be expert at their applications.

Svutlana no have monster-size monster...at least no think it be monster...hold on for one minutes while Svutlana take out tape for measure...Svutlana monster have only rough five insertable inch. Svutlana rare use insertable inch because like way monster feel when apply buzz for outside of body, but womens who like girth or length that otherwise no be available should be able for enjoy with no tsk-tsk from partner like you.

Big toy never replace big boy, Mr Size. Please repeat after Svutlana: big toy never replace big boy.

But nothing can beat monster synergies.

Svutlana

Beware relationships with "one little issue"...

2011-11-27T10:11:00.007-05:00

Svutlana,

My boyfriend and I have kinda been on again off again for two years. For a while we were just content with a "friends with benefits" relationship. However, regardless of if we've been together or not we love each other and there's no doubt between either of us that we will always be close. We've come back to being in a relationship again this time since we decided to have a child together. I'm excited and so is he.

In our relationship, though, there has always been one little issue that bothers me from time to time in our sex life. When we first got together I couldn't stand the idea of certain types of sex, like giving him head or anal. (Mostly because it made me feel low, like a prostitute or something. How I developed this idea I don't know.) Since then, I have educated myself and don't feel that way about either form of sex, and in fact I enjoy giving him a blow job (it makes me feel empowered). Anal, though I'm still not a big fan of. I give it to him on occasion and recently started discovering my own mindset to where I enjoy it some, but I still don't care for it. I had thought and hoped that maybe if I could give it to him sometimes as like a treat or a special occasion it would be okay. Now he wants it more and more.

I'm not entirely opposed to engaging in anal sex more often, but it sometimes distresses me that I've made these concessions and yet now matter what I've said or how I've tried to talk to him about it he won't hardly ever give me oral sex, and would rather just roll over and go to sleep if I refuse to give him anal when he wants it.

I don't want our sex life to suffer because I refuse something, but I'm tired and not out of line to want some sort of fair trade. I've tried asking him about picking up a sex toy or something that he can keep around (as we don't live together) because I know from previous experiences that I enjoy anal more with one.

Can you give me some advice on what to do? Or how to prod him gently to either learn to go down on me as I learned to give him head, or get him to keep a toy or two around?

Dear Ms Prod,

Thank you too much for this extreme fascinate sexual dynamic question, Ms Prod. It seem for me that you and boyfriend be involve in game that call us in Svutlandia Prick for Twat. Profuse apologize in advances for say, but Prick for Twat always be sign of extreme dysfucktional relationship. Couple only play Prick for Twat when they think sex be zero sum game where one partner gain be other partner loss.

Ideal sex be win-win situations, Ms Prod, where both partner believe they create something together that add for pleasures of both. Win-win no require advance negotiations where you must somehow convince boyfriend for learn how for please you because win-win mean he already be motivate for do so. Win-win also no require deals like with Suez Canal where you say if give boyfriend access for your anal passage, he must let you play with toys. And in win-win, restrictions on anal access never lead for declaration of passive aggressive wars.

Profuse apologize me again for say, but no have you "one little issue" Ms Prods. Have you what Svutlana call Sex Hydra...

Vice Svutlana have for you be for think two time and two time again before have child with this mens. It seem for me that so far you be big loser in game of Prick for Twat with continue for take it up ass in game boyfriend rig against you. Introduce toy and guarantee me, boyfriend will want for insert this object inside your anal passage too. And this dynamic where you be loser and boyfriend be winner probable no be confine for bedroom.

Suggest Svutlana emphatic strong that you turn this relationship off again. Permanent.

Svutlana

Svutlana ostensible give vice

2011-11-25T09:11:00.006-05:00

Svutlana,

I have the opposite problem that many people have: my boyfriend loves giving me oral sex, but it doesn't do a whole lot for me physically. I know a lot of women really enjoy it, so I'm not sure why I don't. In other words, I'm not sure if it's his technique or just a personal thing. Because he likes it so much, and other people describe it as being really pleasurable, I'd really like to be able to...well, like it.

In general, I do think the issue is physical. My boyfriend makes me feel very comfortable, and he doesn't put pressure on me to orgasm. It's just really difficult to find the "right spot." Even if I give him direction, a lot of times the things I ask him to try turn out to be the same or less pleasurable than what he was already doing! Plus, it's quite distracting if I always have to think about what he's doing instead of feeling it. The traditional advice about figuring out what you like by masturbating is not really an option here, as the sensations are so different (also not an option to try it with a different person).

If anyone has any advice of things to try, or something that works for you, it would definitely be appreciated. I hate feeling frustrated by something my partner enjoys that ostensibly I should be enjoying too. Thank you!

Dear Ms Ostensibles,

Thank you too much for question about oral please that Svutlana never tire of and for use word ostensible that never see me before in question for Svutlana. Believe or no, it seem for me that you actual do ostensible enjoy oral sex, Ms Ostensibles. You ostensible enjoy in sense that if somebody watch you and partner, guarantee me, you look like two peoples who have good times. But truth be different because one person be have much better times than other. This be perfect define for ostensible that mean appearance be different from realities, therefore you ostensible enjoy oral sex and have ostensible absolute nothing for worry about, Ms Ostensibles.

Ostensible Svutlana give vice for help peoples with little bit sex problem, but reality be that Svutlana be here on mission for make world safe for sex. Reality for you be little bit more tricky, Ms Ostensible. Either you no like cunnilingus one bit or you simple no like cunnilingus with boyfriend with whom you have long history of miss spots.

Many times you provide "little bit for left...little bit for right" directions like you try for instruct boyfriend for make microchips...

Sometime cunnilingus be like make microchips

yet boyfriend continue for miss spots. Now you be at points that for expect boyfriend for play you like drummer play violin. Guarantee me, as soon as boyfriend start for head down you tense up with say for self: "Here go us again with lick lick lick like be me big tub of Ben & Jerry Puss 'n Booty ice cream, so just lie me here and wait patient for it for be over." In Svutlandia, we call phenomenon where expectations be so low and tensions be so high that it be impossible for womens for orgasm, pussy lock.

In absence for find other partner for test hypothesis that have you case of pussy lock rather than true distaste for cunnilingus, need you for tell boyfriend that you appreciate too much that he be pussy mens that no be as common as should be, but he need for explore different techniques. Maybe boyfriend think as long as he enjoy for perform oral sex with yum yum yum, he no require additional train.

But if boyfriend think enthusiasm for cunnilingus be enough, boyfriend be wrong. No womens like mens for take deep breath and squeeze eye tight before go down and gargle with lemon juice and parsley immediate after, but boyfriend need for know how for play your violin. Ian Kerner have excellent cunnilingus manual call She Come First and for sure boyfriend can find different technique so that he can find magical combination for unlock your pussy.

All that be said, maybe you be one of these womens who no have taste for oral sex and that be complete okay. Need you for give self permission for be one of these inedible womens, Ms Ostensibles. When it come for sex, there be no rooms for ostensible enjoyments.

Svutlana

Svutlana ponder most unkindest cut

2011-11-22T08:11:00.000-05:00

Hi Svutlana,

My previous partner absolutely loved my bj skills and would come easily. He was circumsized. My two most recent partners are both uncut and aren't able to come from a bj. I am now feeling very self conscious because previously I was awesome and now I am just okay . Is this common depending on cut/uncut? Or are all guys just different when it comes to that?

Dear Ms bj,

Thank you too much for question about possible erosion in blow job skills, Ms bj. It be Svutlana experiences that lack of circumcisions no be associate with reduce pleasures from blow job, therefore problem probable be decline in your blow job skill set, Ms bj. Can take you remedial course at Learn Annex and for sure you be good for go.

Serious, can understand me complete why you take prides in blow job talents and gashooshlank offer excellent real times feedback mechanism, but why these uncircumsize mens deliver this most unkindest cut for your ego? Feel you like billionaire who drop out of Forbes list due for circumcisions beyond your controls?

Serious (and profuse apologize me Ms bj, but for some reasons Svutlana find it extreme difficult for be serious about your question) need you for do what Svutlana do and ask for feedbacks. Put feedback card on top pillow if no want for ask partner direct.

Here be sample feedback card:

Svutlana find it help if you provide reference point for rating so that it be more easy for respond on ten-point scale. Can ask partner for open-end feedbacks like in Svutlana sample or get more specific informations with rate quality of suctions, variabilities in technique, degree of toothiness and artistic impressions on five-point Likert scales.

Guarantee me, survey will provide you with valuable informations that you can use for continuous improve. And best of all, Ms bj, maybe you discover that you still be awesome.

Svutlana

Svutlana recall fiery gulfs of anal trespass

2011-11-19T16:11:00.013-05:00

Svutlana,

I really want to try new things with my girlfriend and one of them is Anal Sex. She was in a pervious relationship where she was having vaginal sex with her boyfriend at the time and he was going too fast and accidentally slammed into her anus, so now she refuses and gets scared when I even touch her bare butt.

What can I do to ease her into Anal Sex?

Dear Mr Anal,

Thank you too much for question about Anal Sex that definite deserve capital letters because Anal Sex can seem like you try for put large object where smaller object is supposed for be.

You mention incident in pervious relationship that seem for make girlfriend impervious for all future anal penetrations. Svutlana do vice column on phenomenon of accidental anal trespass many vice columns ago. Believe or no, Svutlana can relate personal for girlfriend experience. Excruciate pain be one thing, but excruciate pain in context where you expect exquisite pleasures be something complete else.

It be like partner all of sudden turn from archangel and good friend of God in for Satan in terrible scare scene from Paradise Lost...

Him the Almighty Power
Hurled headlong flaming from the ethereal sky
With hideous ruin and combustion down
To bottomless perdition, there to dwell
In adamantine chains and penal fire...

You never complete recover from be hurl headlong in for penal fires, Mr Anal.

All that be said, you answer own question. You must ease girlfriend in for Anal Sex with go extreme slow. Approach first with use most tiny finger first and lot of lube and promise for stop if hurt even tiny bits. If girlfriend say no, be sure for say that Anal Sex feel complete different when it no be accidental. Give girlfriend Surrender book write by former ballerina Ms Toni Bentley that rhapsodize about pleasures of Anal Sex perform with skills.

Difference between accidental Anal Sex and Anal Sex perform with skills be like difference between osso buco that chef make and and osso buco that Svutlana make with Alphaghettis. Neither feel good when shove up your ass unexpect however, so if girlfriend still say no for Anal Sex, you must respect her wishes. No try for sneak in back door with finger as if this be okay because you do it right way with lube and small object and only try for give her pleasures.

Paradoxical, you probable have more success with approach Anal Sex as Svutlana suggest, than if you try for have vaginal sex in rear entry position that guarantee me, will always make girlfriend little bit scare of penal fires.

Svutlana

Somebody try once again for test Svutlana powers of prognostigaytion

2011-11-17T09:02:00.002-05:00

Svutlana,

Lately my husband has been wanting me to finger his rectum everytime we have sex. He wanted oral there but I refused. Also, he can't get off unless I'm sucking his tits and popping his butt. Last night he wanted me on top holding his legs over his head while I try to hit my vaginal area on his butt. Is this normal? Is my husband gay?

Dear Ms Normal,

Thank you too much for extreme thoughtful question about husband sexual orientations, Ms Normal. Unfortunate you come for wrong vice columnist if you want for find out what normal be. Svutlana believe some sex practices definite be more common than others, but if you want for have good sex life, you need for stop immediate with concern yourself with what be normal.

Profuse apologize Svutlana in advances for say but unless you spontaneous become mens and husband ask you for fuck him, husband no be gay. For sure many wife be scare for be last for find out husband like for make happy happy inside Red Lobster bathroom with other mens. Understand Svutlana complete, but guarantee me, number of unsuspect wife with Red Lobster husband be much much less than number of womens who be suspicious of any mens who like for spend times with assholes.

It seem for me that husband simple be pursue natural progressions in anal play. Again profuse apologize me in advances for say, but eventual husband will ask you for purchase harness and strap-on device and, for prevent another extreme indignant letter for Svutlana, Svutlana tell you in advances that strap-on sex no mean husband be gay. Husband simple know where most sensitive parts of body be--anus and nipple--and he want lavish attentions for these locations.

Suggest me that rather than worry about what husband like, why you no find out what you be miss and have husband pop your butt from time for time? Maybe you like. Who know?

Svutlana

Svutlana introduce new Svutonomic concept

2011-11-16T08:03:00.000-05:00

Svutlana,

I really don't know how to say this, but I want to watch my wife masturbate. I have tried to get my wife to, but she refuses. She says she never has and does not like to. I bought her a vibrator to see if she would at least try that and she refuses. She has called me at work when she is home alone and has told me she is horny and wants me to come home. I have told her to use her vibrator or to masturbate to help solve her sexual frustrations, but she refuses. I do not want to sound selfish, but I want her to try new things. I don’t want to push her into doing it just to make me happy and not enjoy it.

How should I approach the subject? How do I tell her I want to watch her masturbate?

Thanks

Dear Mr Masturbate,

Thank you too much for question that you don't know how for say, Mr Masturbate. Your approach with buy wife buzz machine remind me of times Svutlana mother buy fish on end of stick for pet cat for play with. Svutlana mother buy fish on end of stick and wave fish in cat face with bang fish in for end of cat nose in case he no notice toy be there. Cat take one look at fish on stick at end of his nose and immediate run away.

You can no make pussy play if pussy no want for play, Mr Masturbate. In Svutlana opinions, your wife miss out on many enjoyable synergies between womens and machine, but you can no force enjoyable experiences on other peoples. If you try for force others for conform for your pleasures you be dicktator.

That be said, wife have what in Svutlana opinion be fair small radius of acceptable sexual pleasures, Mr Masturbate. Small radius of acceptable pleasure be complete okay if two peoples be marry with similar small radius of acceptable pleasures, but if one partner have big radius and other partner have small radius, there be chance for big fuck problems. What tend for happen be that eventual big radius partner run in for someone else for fill in empty spaces.

Svutlana try for explain concept with follow diagram:

Svutlana vice for you be for try for expand wife sexual radius and thereby reduce size of danger zone and correspond adultery coefficient. This definite no be as easy as sound, Mr Masturbate. Can take wife for sex doctor if she be agreeable, but if she no want for go, there be little you can do except pair buzz machine with catnip; in other word offer for apply buzz for wife when she already be arouse. You can also view instruction videos that show womens who masturbate for see if wife can take hints. If wife refuse for watch instruction videos with you, at least you will have your catnip.

Svutlana

Svutlana try for discharge distasteful thoughts

2011-11-12T19:08:00.001-05:00

Svutlana,

Whenever my boyfriend has tried to eat me out, he says it tastes bad. I have spent over a year doing everything I can to smell better and ensuring my pH is normal. Now I want him to go down on me. But he doesn't like the way I taste when he first starts licking me.

The thing is I don't know if he is tasting my regular vaginal discharge when he first goes down or whatever natural "wetness" I'm supposed to have going on down there. We usually would do groping and feeling up then some heavy dry humping til I got wet (or at least I think I would be wet) and then he would go down (skipping the lube usually but I know now I definitely need it to help me get off) but he wouldn't like the smell or taste of me.

After sex, my panties always contain a mix of that wetness and the discharge. I wear pantyliners in my underwear on the day I'm supposed to see him so I don't have the two fluids mix. I would take off the liner before we start dry humping but when I take off my panties afterwards, all I see is my white-yellowy discharge and then a wet stain on my panties. I have a tingling mint flavored water-based lube that I tried for him and he still didn't like it. And most of the flavored water-based lubes never really taste like they are supposed to, so he says he still gets the bad taste from me. I'm doing everything I can now to keep myself dry and cool to avoid any bacterial infections and staying away from douches, sprays and wipes. I know vaginas are not supposed to taste too clean or like roses or strawberries because that's considered unhealthy. So here are my questions:
What can I do to smell/taste better for him in a more natural and easier way that won't cause any weird infections for me?

Is he supposed to be tasting my discharge or my wetness?

Should me and him skip the dry humping part and he should just go down on me (with the lube) after I take out the liner?

Should I wash myself down there with some water right before me and him start fooling around?

Are there any good types of lubes out there or food I can eat a lot of that can help me taste better for him? Any flavored lubes that taste like chocolate or strawberries? Or should we try real food items like chocolate syrup, etc?

Dear Ms Discharge,

Oh, Svutlana feel for you too much, Ms Discharge. Apologize me profuse in advances for say, but why you take boyfriend word that you taste bad then proceed immediate for try for change your flavor? Never read me before such dissertation on ingredients inside pantie. Sound you like vaginal chemist, Ms Discharge. What else you try for change for please boyfriend, Ms Discharge? Wear your hair in fountain formation on top your head because boyfriend like?

That be said, Svutlana get feel that boyfriend have distastes for cunnilingus and no for you, Ms Discharge. Cunnilingus never taste like whatever foods you happen for gorge on, Ms Discharge. If this be case, Svutlana taste like spaghetti and meatball and womens everywheres advertise self as assort flavors with chocolate cupcakes and beers be most popular womens for eat out.

Vice Svutlana have for you be extreme simple. Stop immediate with pantie liners, dry humps, pantie content inspections and whole wetness-discharge dialectic. Stop also with try for alter diet or cover up who you be with chocolate syrup or chocolate lube. You taste like what you taste like, Ms Discharge. Simple stick finger between your leg and insert in for your mouth when you be extreme excite. You need for know what you taste like so can tell boyfriend that you do taste test on self and maybe your vaginal cocktail no taste like strawberry daiquiris beside pool at Club Meds, but it no taste like battery acids inside car engines either.

Guarantee me, when you do taste test on self you will realize that boyfriend should be one for write for Svutlana and no you.

Svutlana

Svutlana share saucy recipes

2011-11-10T22:01:00.004-05:00

Svutlana,

I had my prostate removed several years ago and do not cum during an orgasm. Luckily I had nerve sparing surgery so it at least still gets hard and I can have a semi-orgasm. I just feel a little incomplete when making love to my partner because of not being able to cum at all. Have you had any experience with any sex toys that you fill with water or yogurt? Are they any good or not worth investing in?

Dear Mr Semi,

Thank you too much for question about ejaculatory sex toy (in Svutlandia we call it ejacula-toy) that thrust Svutlana in for succulent world of ejaculate recipes. More on this in one minutes. But first, wish Svutlana too much that you no feel incomplete for no ejaculate, Mr Semi.

Ejaculate be one of these things that peoples be excite about for no apparent reasons. Everybody wait outside gashooshlank with cheer on manufacture process in hope there be spectacular outpour, but usual what come out only be enough for put out two votive candle. After ejaculate happen and everybody return for normal operations, ejaculate sudden become just be one more mess for clean with wipe up dribbles wherever they happen for land. And for some unfortunate womens, ejaculate be cause for terrible tuna boat smells next days. Hopeful Svutlana description of ejaculation make you feel little bit better about no have, Mr Semi.

All that be said, quick answer for your question be yes, there definite be ejacula-toy out there.

Here be couple:

Apologize me profuse for different size of picture when toys be rough same size at 8 inch, but toy on right side be one quarter price of toy on left, so relative size make sense.

Squirt cock come with testicles that move and user comment that Svutlana read suggest it be of far better qualities than Squirty Peter Dinger on right that come with bumps that look like venereal diseases.

Believe or no, Squirt Realistic Cock come with ejaculatory recipe that be mix sweet condense milk with egg white and add sugar until reach desire thickness. Can add tapioca if you like lumpies. Svutlana no recommend you use this recipe for vagina because for sure sugar and tapioca upset vaginal flora and maybe make yeast infect.

It seem for me that you need for decide in advances what orifice you want for use ejacula-toy for, Mr Semi. If perform oral please on device, then Svutlana high recommend SvutNana Cum-Hither recipe that taste extreme good and also be good for top festive puddings.

SvutNana Cum-Hither recipe:

1 cup ice sugars
1/2 cup milk
1 egg
2 tablespoon butter
1 teaspoon vanilla
mix in double boil and heat until look little bit like custard
add whip cream and hope mixture no be too thick for ejaculatory device

(SvutNana recipe no taste one bit realistic, but nobody in squirt cock comments discuss realism of ejaculate taste, perhaps because this no be goal anybody want for aim for...)

For vaginal or anal uses Svutlana recommend Greek yogurt that have similar pH for vagina and be extreme healthy no matter where you decide for put it, but whatever you decide for do, be sure for little bit warm up ejaculate in sauce pan. Nothing ruin moods quite as fast as ejaculate that seem for come from Frosty Snowmens.

Be squirt worth $50 for you, Mr Semi? Have me absolute no ideas about anybody else, but if Svutlana be your partner, she be happy happy you have semi-orgasm that feel good for you and no care me too much about guy-products.

Svutlana

SMSM - mens who like for double their fun...

2011-11-06T18:11:00.001-05:00

Svutlana

I am a 20 year old man. I am always turned on by women emotionally and physically (vaginal and anal sex). However, while I'm not interested in men at all emotionally and don't want to kiss them or otherwise connect with them in any way, I get turned on by the thought of recieving anal sex from a well-hung man for sexual pleasure (nothing else). Does this mean that I am bisexual, or is it just a one-off fantasy that will pass by? Should I experiment and go for it?

Dear Mr One-Off,

Thank you too much for bisexual question that make it absolute clear for Svutlana and everybody who read Svutlana blog that you only want for be anal penetrate with large gashooshlank and absolute no want any other touch points with gay mens. Feel me too bad for gay mens who encounter you and maybe want little bit peck on cheek for say bye-bye after he penetrate you with panache, therefore Svutlana vice for you be for find big strong womens who will perform strap-on duties with large dildo.

Serious, for sure there be sub-specialty within gay community of mens who take it upon selves for service straight community. And for sure sub-specialty give sexual service it perform cool name like poke-a-bloke or breeder immunization.

What you have be expression of sexual preference as oppose for confuse sexual identity, Mr One-Off. You sound fair heterosex for me, you just want for try something complete different. It be like you go for restaurant with girlfriend and order steak, but when girlfriend scallop arrive, you want for try that too. You no wish for order scallop (that would be gay) but you simple wish for try little bit what girlfriend have, only you wish for take her scallop and stick it up your ass.

Believe or no, accord for study of 4200 mens in Annals of Internal Medicines, 1 in 10 mens who identify themself as straight have sex only with other mens, and 10% of these mens be marry. Problem be that if you identify yourself as straight then go out for have gay sex, study say that chance be you no ask your partner for use condom, Mr One-Off. Maybe you no request condom because you no be use for drill or maybe you think condom be gay.

Believe or no, what you ask Svutlana about be so common that there be acronym for you, Mr One-Off, that be SMSM, straight mens who have sex with mens. If you decide for become SMSM, please please please make sure you be SMSM who use condom.

Svutlana

Svutlana say be careful who you take swings at

2011-11-03T08:03:00.004-04:00

Svutlana,

My wife and I love to have sex with each other, are very much in love and have been together for over 18 years. I suggested swinging to my wife as sort of playing and sexual pleasures for both of us. At first she was worried that I wanted another woman but after lots of reassurance we both starting looking on a swingers' web site and chatting with some of the members and met a few couples at a meet and greet. My wife said from the beginning that she didn't want to be with another man that it wouldn't be enjoyable for her and that she had to feel comfortable with the other couple before she would proceed.

She suggested maybe her friend and husband who she is comfortable with and finds the husband attractive might work. They were not swingers and really not openly affectionate with each other, but at least my wife felt an attraction. We had a camping trip already planned with this other couple and late one night we we're on on the lake in our boat having some drinks and feeling loose and we made a move on this couple and they we're willing and we did a full swap, our first full swap.

It was OK not great because of the alcohol. The next day my wife wondered what she had done, with her best friend's husband no less. Well I can tell you it was a mistake. Her best friend has hardly talked to her since and it's been months. After the camping weekend my wife and I reflected back on the night, and went over everything. She admitted to me that she enjoyed the sex and had an orgasm and she didn't think she would have. She said it was probably from the excitement and taboo of the event. However since talking about it, she has grown cold; I imagine it's because the friendship thing was messed up. I still want more, not from her friend but the whole swinger life. I've always been a sex freak and this puts it over the top for me.

Do you think its possible to get my wife on board again?

Dear Mr Swinger,

Thank you too much for swing question that offer cautionary tail for everybody. No recruit your best friends for first-time hard swing on camp trip if best friend couple no be in for lifestyle. And if you need alcohol for get over inhibitions of swing, this be big red flag that should tell you that tomorrow you will lie inside boat beside best friend husband with bad case of swinger remorse.

Of all sexual strategies, swing be most difficult for execute because swing exponential complicate usual complications of sex and many time lead for big fuck mess. Typical complications of happy happy be enough for most peoples, Mr Swinger. Even try for match sexual frequencies be too much for many couples. Idea of have sex with other couple occur for most marry peoples at some points in relationship, but usual stop with idea because mind become overwhelm with disaster scenarios.

Good luck with ever get wife on board love boat for little bit cumby'all again, Mr Swinger. Think about. Wife have orgasm with best friend husband and lose best friend in process. This be more than "friendship thing mess up," Mr Swinger. Wife now associate swing with fleet pleasures and last pains and guilt. For meet wife requirement for swing, she need for feel comfortable with find new friend with husband she find attractive and make happy happy with no emotional fall-outs. It be easier for find smart phone that understand Svutlana commands than for find swing couple that meet wife specifications.

It be difficult but no impossible. Svutlana recommend that if wife can get over bad experience with best friend--and she may with time given that sex part of experience be good for her--go through usual channels with meet couple who already have interest in swing and go slow with them. Try for use sexual comforts for gradual increase emotional comforts rather than go backward with try for force sexual comforts on relationship after emotional connection be well establish.

If we be honest with ourself we realize that swing fantasy no be swing fantasy at all, Mr Swinger. Profuse apologize Svutlana in advances for say, but think me your swing fantasy involve only two out of possible foursome where your wife sit alone in dark corner with apply rubber stamps.

Svutlana

Svutlana get first orthopedic sex question

2011-10-31T10:11:00.003-04:00

Svutlana

Every time my husband orgasms his knee gets a really sharp pain that will last for hours after... we can't figure out why or what's going on.... have you ever experienced this?

It happens no matter where we have sex (floor, bathroom, bed, couch, chair...)

Dear Ms Knee,

Thank you too much for provide Svutlana with first orthopedic sex question, Ms Knee. First, Svutlana must commend you for take such good care of husband that you offer for write with ask for help for his problem and also offer for experiment with different sex placements so can see if this will alleviate his pains.

In Svutlana medical opinion, there be preexist problems with knee that come out with orgasm, so for speak. We all tend for think of orgasm as extreme relax response, but before can get extreme relax, you need for have extreme tensions. Svutlana never experience pains (indirect or direct) like you describe, but have experience of bad case of charley horses inside foot of partner just before orgasm. Feel me too bad for see pleasure and pains so intertwine, but also be thankful that charley horses no attack Svutlana on verge of orgasm.

Recommend me that husband take 400mg of ibuprofen one hour before make happy happy and see if this maybe help. Also need husband for get MRI for see if there be something wrong with whatever be inside knee. Pain after orgasm no be something for fuck around with, Ms Knee. Husband body try for tell you something and use happy happy as medium because it know this be scenario where for sure you pay attentions: sex be most delightful diagnostic.

Dr Svutlana

What be most scary about happy happy?

2011-10-27T10:00:00.002-04:00

Svutlana wonder what scare mens most about sex...

With Halloween just around corners, Svutlana think maybe it be interest for examine sex fears.

Whenever Svutlana want scary sexual informations, turn me for Cosmo, magazine that monitor and report on activities on planet Cosmo, planet that be populate with womens whose only obsession be for sexual please mens so can lure them in for marry and mens whose only obsession be for fuck womens with no commitments. Cosmo be like scary graphic novel where Earth be rule by Kardashians and therefore it be perfect place for find out what scare mens most about sex.

Accord for Cosmo, male secret sex fear be as follow:

1. Fear that maybe no have sex.
2. Fear that when naked maybe no look like Cosmo mens with oblique muscle that no be oblique.
3. Fear for mention condom before womens figure out they want for fuck them.
4. Fear that after fuck womens, womens think they actual care for them and want for meet parents.
5. Fear that womens think their gashooshlank be too small or more small than previous partner (this be because all mens on planet Cosmo grow up with poster of Ron Jeremy penis on their bedroom wall).
6. Fear that they can no make their gashooshlank stand up.
7. Fear that maybe can no please womens with get off her.

Have Svutlana absolute no ideas how womens on planet Cosmo can read this list of male sex fears and no be scare for have sex, but Cosmo vice for these womens be for give compliments for mens so they no be so scare.

Svutlana

More sex that make big stinks

2011-10-25T09:11:00.011-04:00

Dear Svutlana,

I read your advice to Ms Stink with interest, and to all those who say that a foul fishy odour after sex is normal or that you just have to go to the loo, you obviously don't experience the same problem I do. I have had this smell before but not to the extent that I have now with my new partner...it lingers. I can even smell it on my hands. He has also seemingly become aware of it and is now too "tired" to be as active with me as he was before. I smell during the week..and it is AWFUL.

After doing a lot of reading, doc visiting, etc, I have come to the conclusion that it is an imbalance caused by his sperm and my fluids. Every guy is different--my guy obviously has stronger chemicals in his fluid that upsets the balance in my vagina and makes me smelly.

I proved this by making a mixture of two cups of water to one tablespoon of vinegar, sat on the floor, got a syringe without the needle and syringed four loads inside me..

WOW!!!! instantly NO smell and I was back to my normal smell. It's been three days now and still no smell. This truly is a miracle for me and I cant wait to tell my partner as I am sure he thinks I am unclean. I just wanted to share it with you and your readers.

Try it...I guarantee it works! But make sure you have no infections first..

Dear Ms Smelly,

Thank you too much for water and vinegar vice that for sure make your vagina smell now like fish and chip. Serious, Svutlana be happy happy you use vinegar and no hydrogen peroxide like Ms Stink be about for use.

Vinegar douche, or Tradizionale balsamic vinegar douche if you be gynogourmet, be douche. Douche, no matter what be inside syringe that you sit on floor and shoot up your vagina in four loads be artificial flavor that inevitable fuck up your vaginal flora, Ms Smelly. What you probable do with syringe be send fish smell deep in for vagina where it stink up your uterus and annoy surround organs.

For sure water and vinegar douche no kill you or bleach your vagina blonde, but it seem for me that your response for sex smell be little bits Lady Macbeth...

...unsex me here,

And fill me from the crown to the toe topful

Of sourest vinegar!

Have me no ideas about you, but Svutlana never wish for be unsex. Do what you please, Ms Smelly, and shoot sour wine up your vagina if it make Lady Macbeth inside your head go away and partner return for you for make more smellies, but please no ask Svutlana for promote douche on Svutlana blog.

Svutlana blog be douche-free...most of times.

Svutlana

Svutlana address conunbum

2011-10-22T07:47:00.000-04:00

Svutlana,

I've watched a couple videos of tips on anal sex and found them informative, but I'm still having trouble convincing my wife to acquiesce to anal sex.

She doesn’t mind anal play, but feels reciprocation is required. In other words, I’m supposed to feel what she feels when it comes to the anus. Thus my conundrum.

She has agreed to give me anal sex on one condition and that is I go first. Meaning, she wants to use a rather large toy on me. And even though she assures me the toy is the same size as I am and therefore only fair, it still looks extremely huge to me and the thought of it going ‘up there’ scares me absolutely to death.

My question is: Should I let her?

Dear Mr Conunbum,

Thank you too much for your extreme thoughtful question (Svutlana know you be full of thoughts, Mr Conunbum, because you use words thus and acquiesce) about anal sex and whether what be good for stick up goose should also be good for first stick up gander. It seem for me that wife make extreme good points, Mr Conunbum, and since anal passage be something that she have and you have and therefore this be level sexual play field, it make complete sense for me that she ask you for go first.

That be said, there probable be strategy behind her request. She probable no be exact 100% in for anal sex and know if she make you go first with dildo that be rough your shape and size and you get scare and refuse for do, there be no way you can turn around and ask her for turn around and bend over. Wife probable think anal sex be all about pleasures for you and if she force you for think about what she hear when you say "acquiesce" you will realize it sound more like "bare ass submissions" and will think again two time before you attempt for do. In Svutlana opinion, encourage other person for think about how sex feel from their perspective be highest use of mind fuck.

That be said, there be solution for your conundrum, Mr Conunbum. No start with try for stick bazooka up your ass. Start with small object with length and thickness of stub pencil (no use actual stub pencil or for sure you lose it up there and have lot of explain for do at emergency room...can say some peoples stick pencil inside mouth when think, but you like for stick pencil up ass). Next move up for one finger, then two finger, then you be ready for medium dildo and final, huge dildo like you.

By time you work your way up for huge dildo, you no longer be scare and it just be one more thing for stick up your ass. Just be sure for use lot of lube, relax massage and mood musics (Svutlana recommend little bit Burt Bacharach, especial Say Little Prayer) or for sure you no make it past stub pencil.

Svutlana

Svutlana contemplate Biblical position on swing

2011-10-20T15:08:00.005-04:00

Svutlana,

My wife and I had a swinging experience and it did wonders for our sex life that was getting a bit stale.

It was a lot of fun and opened up communication between us like never before, but the one thing that bothered us was the Bible's position on swinging. Most Christians I ask just abruptly say it is wrong without explanation and get mad at me if I try to get more details.

The closest thing I found was a passage in the Bible Matt 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart...
Does this mean swinging is wrong?

Since it is consensual between my wife and me and friends, I'm assuming it's not a problem. So my question boils down to this: is swinging wrong according to the Bible or am I interpreting the Bible incorrectly since there seems to be a lot of people claiming to be Christians, but who are also swingers?

Dear Mr Bible,

Thank you too much for question that baffle Svutlana also: what exact be Bible position on swing? Svutlana would also like for know Bible position on yeast infect, but can no find appropriate Bible passage except where God appear for Moses inside burn bush. Therefore whenever Svutlana have yeast infect, simple say me that God be inside Svutlana vagina and want me for know He be down there with make me feel little bit burn.

Apologize me profuse if offend anybody with burn bush, but Svutlana simple wish for make points: you can use Bible for explain and/or justify any natural or unnatural phenomenon. Bible be most fascinate all-purpose Book with Protagonist that every Christian know well whether they be Bible scholar like Svutlana or no.

You no have for go for Matthew for figure out Bible position on swing, Mr Bible. Think about. Matthew be inside New Testament where God mellow little bits from Old Testament God who be all-powerful curmudgeon. If mellow God say it be sin for even THINK about make happy happy with anybody other than your wife or husband, Old Testament God jump up and down with mad and pour pestilence in for your anal orifice for commit swing.

God no care if happy happy be consensual, Mr Bible. If you make happy happy outside your marriage He have big problem with it. Matthew try for expand definition of adultery for include what accidental happen inside your head when you see nice barista at Starbuck. Old Testament simple say:

Thou shalt not commit adultery.

This be fair clear, Mr Bible. Adultery be happy happy with somebody other than your wife. You can no decide for override one of Ten Commandment just because you have everybody sign off on with say swing be adultery with happy smiley face on it and for sure God be okay with.

God that all good and bad Christian know from Bible definite no be okay with what you do. Everybody know God no be okay with swing base on His anger issues and His long track record of spectacular retributions and feel no need for further explain for you with quote scriptures what be painful obvious.

Svutlana, on other hand, be complete okay with what you do because everybody be happy and nobody get hurt. You be okay, Mr Bible, only if Svutlana manage against all odds for get job at Pearl Gates or if you mention for whoever be Greeter at Heaven how God borrow Mary from her husband Joseph for immaculate swing and happy happy result be Christians like you.

Svutlana

Svutlana ponder close shaves

2011-10-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

Svutlana,

Do you like it when guys shave their balls for you or not? Is it something that if you were given the choice to have a full monty bikini wax and a guy shaving his balls would that be a turn-on?

Dear Mr Shave,

Svutlana no be exact sure what you ask me, Mr Shave. Ask if Svutlana have full bikini wax and make happy happy with mens who shave testicles would this be turn-on? Answer for this question be yes, provide it significant reduce kinetic frictions.

Leonardo da Vinci first discover classic rules of slide friction that eventual become Coulomb friction, name after Charles-Augustin de Coulomb, that be approximate model use for calculate force of dry friction.

Dry friction be govern by follow equation:

where:
be force of friction exert by mens on Svutlana as we move in opposite directions;
be coefficient of friction, that be empirical property of contact materials;
be normal force exert by Svutlana on mens and mens on Svutlana, perpendicular for surface.

Due for complexities of genital interactions and coefficient of friction that be impossible for calculate in advances, friction can no be calculate from first principles, but instead must be found empirical.

In other word, shave testicles and see what happen, Mr Shave.

Svutlana

p.s. Aesthetical speak, Svutlana find testicle with hairs and without hairs of similar allure provide testicle have hairs like coconut and no like Russell Brand...

Svutlana present first award

2011-10-13T11:45:00.007-04:00

Svutlana,

I have been married for almost 15 years. I love when my wife performs oral sex, but she does it only very rarely now because I can't seem to cum from oral sex (only five times in our entire marriage!) and she doesn't get satisfaction out of it when I don't cum.

Is there anyway to help me reach orgasm from oral sex? I don't now if this is a mental block or what...

Dear Mr Block,

Thank you too much for question that prove that Dicktator who prize mastery of self-approve sexual methods over pleasure of partner come in both male and female versions. In Svutlandia we call female version Clittator. No have you mental blocks, Mr Block. Have you Clittator wife in need of good talks.

You need for tell wife that you no be soda fountain, Mr Block. Wife should no expect you for have orgasm when she put her mouth up for your gashooshlank as if she need your orgasm in her mouth for get her blowjob badge. Guarantee me, wife perception of herself as Her Majesty, Queen of Blowjob, Defender of Fellate be what this situation be all about. Wife think if you no cum, her performance no be up for muff.

Wife get satisfaction from power her mouth have over your gashooshlank and there be nothing inherent wrong with this. Svutlana feel this rush of magician power too--in particular on these occasions when Svutlana can miraculous rouse gashooshlank from wine-induce coma--but for withhold pleasures from you because she no get for take power sip in Svutlana opinion be wrong, wrong, wrong.

Need you for explain for wife she be extreme good with give oral pleasures and for prove this for her, have you something for present for her...

Svutlana print out one for self too.

Svutlana

Svutlana try for hit spot

2011-10-10T12:56:00.001-04:00

Svutlana,

When my girlfriend and I are having sex, I tend to start off by giving her a clitoral orgasm first through oral sex then proceed to have vaginal intercourse directly after. We get going and she'll say I'm hitting the "spot" but she can never have an orgasm that way. I want to give her one so bad because I could with my last girlfriend and I could see how intense and pleasureful it was for her...I want my new girlfriend to experience one too!

So far people have told me I should:

Give her a massage
Train her g-spot with my fingers
Be a sexual beast: talk dirty, tie her up, blind fold her, lightly pull her hair, lightly bite her, lightly choke her, manhandle her

Be a leader outside the bedroom

Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Dear Mr Spots,

Thank you too much for question that hit spot, Mr Spots. Profuse apologize Svutlana in advances for say, but idea that you can give girlfriend orgasm through intercourse when she be womens who no have orgasm this way be like say can magical drive standard transmission car with never touch clutch. Clitoris be girlfriend clutch and if you can somehow stimulate clitoris through intercourse, girlfriend will have orgasm; if no stimulate clitoris, no matter how beast you be, orgasm will never happen.

In Svutlana opinions, whoever tell you for be sex beast and that light choke womens with manhandles will give girlfriend vaginal intercourse orgasms have much more big problem than you, Mr Spots. And whoever tell you if you be leader outside bedroom, gashooshlank will rule inside, be complete out of their fuck mind.

And how can we have conversations about orgasm through intercourse with no bring up mythical g-spots that magical appear during happy happy and then disappear in for ethers so that even if stick Hubble telescope inside vagina, infrared lights that can penetrate nether regions of outer spaces can no see one single g-spot. Say train g-spot be with fingers be like say if girlfriend train you with tickle your testicles in certain place you should be able for have intense pleasure testicle orgasm. If you no have intense pleasure testicle orgasm, there be something terrible terrible wrong with you and girlfriend write for Svutlana with ask why.

Girlfriend have orgasm with oral sex and you hit spot with give her pleasure sensations through intercourse. This should be end of story and nobody should say there be problem. Please no try for impose right way for have orgasm on girlfriend (and yourself) base on your subjective evaluation of intensities of her pleasures compare with other girlfriend because if you do, you become what we call in Svutlandia Dicktator. Dicktator be sexual fascist who prize sexual method over individuality of his partner.

You seem for be nice mens who have genuine desires for please girlfriend, Mr Spots. Please no become one spot for hit all Dicktator.

Svutlana

Svutlana give little bit vice for period of harmony that immediate follow marriage

2011-10-08T18:30:00.003-04:00

Svutlana,

I'm getting married soon and wanted to know if you had any suggestions of things to bring on my three-week honeymoon. My fiancé and I are both virgins and could use some suggestions, so I asked a friend of my mother's whom I feel comfortable with and she said I should pack a dark towel to place underneath us because there may be blood and other body fluids and that the cleaning staff would probably use rubber gloves when they clean our room.

Yuck! I was looking for some advice about sexual products.

Dear Ms Honeymoons,

Thank you too much for question about what for pack for period of harmony that immediate follow marriage. Profuse apologize Svutlana in advances for say, but friend of mother probable be right: for sure maids draw stir sticks from trolley cart for see who draw short stick and get for take out CSI (consummation scene investigation) kit for clean your room and look for evidence for make fun of you.

Unfortunate, sex be one of these things with by-products that no even peoples who produce them can love. Have me no ideas about anybody else, but as soon as happy happy be over and orgasm haze lift, immediate Svutlana look around at messes and wonder what for fuck happen.

Serious, it seem for me that you want for put car in front of whore, Ms Honeymoon. In other word, you want for jump from virginity in for appearance on Bonk with Stars. Bonk with Stars be number one television show in Svutlandia, Ms Honeymoon. Only way virgin or near-virgin can get on for Bonk with Stars is if virgin somehow become extreme good at bonk with watch instruct videos and practice alone.

Rather than pack suitcase full of assort strap-ons, Asian tongue paddles and ben-wa balls that maybe you need for add spices for anniversaries somewhere down lines, simple enjoy process and feel what you feel. If you no like how something feel, tell partner 'Thank you too much for inputs but no care me for this' and try something else. Think about honeymoon as three-week experiment in discover what turn you and husband on.

Ideal, you want for do these experimentations before you marry in case you be in for thermonuclear experiments and husband be in for experiments with butterfly gardens. Hopeful you and husband-for-be at least be in same branch of science, but if you no find harmonious relations after marry, please feel free for write Svutlana again one times.

Good luck for you,
Svutlana

Ms Gigi ask Svutlana about g-shot for g-spot

2011-10-05T14:15:00.009-04:00

Svutlana,

Have you had a g-shot for your g-spot? How well did it work? Would you do it again?

Gigi

Dear Ms Gigi,

For sure at least half of peoples who read your question say for self, "What for fuck?". Other half wait for see how Svutlana respond for what anybody who know Svutlana know be extreme provoke for me.

Svutlana be one of these strange womens who no believe in g-spot, Ms Gigi. Svutlana think g-spot be d-coy for take attention away from clitoris and back for vagina where gashooshlank would rather be. Actual, Svutlana believe there be spot that seem for be especial sensitive and seem for be inside vagina, but g-spot really be clitoris who be on outside and knock knock knock on vagina walls.

In other word, Svutlana think g-spot be phallocentrick. G-spot also be spot where one days somebody say "Gee, there be big money for be make in place where clitoris masquerade as vagina!". G-spot stimulators and g-spot shots be perfect way for fill imaginary need in imaginary void.

Nobody know exact where g-spot be, so it be perfect place for g-shot where Dr Feelgood aim his needle fill of human-engineer hyaluronan (also know as goo molecule) at target that be impossible for miss. For sure doctor make big fuss about hit right spot with take out protractor and ruler and make squint eyes with enter dimensions of your vagina in for formula on laptop compute so that he can locate your g-spot in Euclidean spaces, but when he insert speculum with needle he basical aim at nothing in particular, but leave you with quarter-size bump that cost $1850.

Doctor inject vagina with goo and womens with GSA™ (g-spot amplifications) believe that GSA™ improve her sexual response. This be what Svutlana call placegoo effect. But placegoo effect only last for four months so you must return for Dr Feelgood for pay $1850 for next goo-shot.

There be no clinical trial that prove effectiveness or safety of goo-shot, Ms Gigi, but we know for sure that goo play role in metastasis of cancer.

So how you think Svutlana feel about g-shot now, Ms Gina? Svutlana say "feel rush" of keep your money and come (KYMAC™).

Svutlana

Svutlana address squirt chaser

2011-10-03T08:11:00.014-04:00

Svutlana,

I was talking to my girlfriend about squirting and she has said she's squirted before, so I know she can. But when I asked her if she would squirt for me she was really reluctant to do so. To me, it's a huge turn on and the ultimate way of knowing I've pleasured her, but she won't let herself squirt. How can I convince her to?

Dear Mr Squirt,

Oh, thank you too much for squirt question that give Svutlana one more opportunity for address sexual tyrannies that decree ideal female orgasm come with espresso cup of clear fluids and originate with press mysterious g-spots.

Imagine for one moments, Mr Squirt, phenomenon of male anejaculations in which minority of mens have orgasm but no ejaculations. By way, orgasm with no ejaculates be true phenomenon and no something Svutlana pull out of ass, but unfortunate male orgasm in absence of ejaculations no be fetishize so that mens can experience taste of tyrannies that many womens experience with squirts.

Imagine that all of sudden, phenomenon of come with no cum that use for embarrass mens like squirt upset many womens who think they have incontinence episode that remind them of wet sheets as child, be glamorize in porns. All of sudden, "clean" mens become extreme popular. There be cover story in Maxim magazine where sexiest womens on earth say she prefer clean mens; there be hands-on Art of Anejaculate classes at Learn Annex that feature videos of Mr Clean, and there be teams of scientists with nothing better for do than wait at end of gashooshlanks for see if something come out and try for figure out exact what make clean mens come clean.

As result of all this attentions for clean mens, many agonize mens write for Svutlana with say, "Try me and try me and do me pelvic exercises 500 time each days but can no be clean mens who come clean! Oh Svutlana, what can do me for prevent ejaculate with orgasm?"

And there be many indignant womens who write for Svutlana with say, "Boyfriend say he orgasm before with no squirt, but now he be reluctant for let himself no squirt! Please tell me how for convince boyfriend for keep ejaculates for self and be clean mens who no mess my sheets and make my vagina smell like tuna boats for two days!"

Get pictures, Mr Squirt? Vice Svutlana have for you be for tell girlfriend that her pleasures, however she natural experience them--no matter if come with clear fluids from Skene gland or blood curdle screams--be of ultimate importance for you and that you will never again ask her for perform squirts for your pleasures as if she be sheet busker.

Svutlana

Love thy neighbor?

2011-10-01T15:08:00.001-04:00

Svutlana,

My husband and I are extremely attracted to our new neighbors who just moved in (me to the husband more than my husband to the wife). We have in the past practiced soft swinging at a club but that was many years ago, and since then it has gone no further. This neighbor thing has however gotten us going. We have been having great sex fantasizing about the possibility of a hard swap with our new neighbors and now we are becoming interested in approaching them. We do know that they are a very sexual couple, however we don't know their thoughts on swinging. We are pretty confident that he would be interested but not sure how she would feel.

So would it be really stupid to approach your neighbor?
If we decide to go ahead, what would be the best way to approach the idea?

Dear Ms Swings,

Thank you too much for question about welcome new neighbors for town with fuck them that put entire new hitch on welcome wagon concept. Svutlana emphatic vice for you be for proceed with EXTREME cautions, Ms Swings. Borrow neighbor husband no be exact same as borrow garden weasel.

Have you two possible approach: one, can knock on new neighbor door with little bit drool on chin and ask for swing with hard swap that be swing where you actual exchange partner (soft swap be where you simple watch each other make happy happy with spouse, like when watch neighbor cut lawn and have beers later with give tips on how for do little bit better next times); two, can send card for neighbors with invitations for hard swap. Card maybe be better option because if neighbors like you but no want for have sex with you, they maybe simple think you have ribald humor sense. Maybe they think invitation card be colorful way for invite them for welcome barbecue where say "Come over for have sex with us!" be neighbor way of say something extreme good be on grill.

If you ask neighbor for make happy happy and they be good for go, there still be possibility for big fuck mess, Ms Swings. You never do hard swap before. If something go terrible wrong with swing, chance be it happen first times where fantasy of exchange partner come up against reality of actual see partner enjoy other person and wonder if he enjoy her more than you (Svutlana profuse apologize in advances for say, but answer for this question probable be yes).

In this case however, husband enjoy womens you must face with say hello and wave polite as long as you be neighbors or forevermore ignore neighbor womens with try for forget vision of husband inside her vaginal vestibule. And even if first times go well, where will swap end, Ms Swings? Hard swap no be like play euchre where decide after few month you no want for play anymore. Guarantee me, somebody always want for continue for play and there be bad feels.

Svutlana suggest you approach idea with continue for have hot fantasy about neighbors and no try for proceed with implements. Svutlana also recommend you read vice Svutlana give for other Ms Swings...

Warm regard you,
Svutlana

Svutlana get flaccid question

2011-09-29T15:00:00.002-04:00

Howdy Svuttie,

My girl, I mean Goddess Mary, has gotten me a cock cage (CB3000) for us to play with. Whenever she tries to lock me in, I get a raging hard on. The thought of her controlling my orgasms makes me drip. My problem is I can’t seem to get it down. She has had me use ice, cold showers even a prostate massage. She has to temporally lock me in with the biggest spacer until two hours later I get flaccid enough to slide to the bottom of the cage and she can switch me out of the bigger into the medium. How can I get or stay flaccid to please her and to not struggle to get in it? Thank you for any help. Goddess will be proud!

Slave Adam

Dear Slave Adam,

Thank you too much for flaccid question and thank you TOO MUCH for address Svutlana with Howdy Svuttie that be extreme impertinent. If Svutlana be your goddess for sure Svutlana would put your saucy gashooshlank in for bucket of Ben & Jerry Chubby Chubby ice creams and invite friends over for watch Slave Adam cocksicles drip.

That be said, ask you age-old question about how for get cock in for CB3000 cage. Actual, CB3000 no be old as ages, but try for control erection be big problem for 6000 years since Adam first realize he be naked in garden with naked womens.

Unfortunate, there be no solutions for your "problem", Slave Adam, and it be Svutlana experiences that prostate massage make your situations much worse unless perform with cactus plant. Suggest me you do things that generate yin for your yang, in other word, need you for do type of thing that tend for generate erectile dysfucktions.

Here be list from which you can select one item for start:

Smoke one package of cigarettes - Smoke can reduce blood flow for gashooshlank.
Maintain unhealthy body weight - overweight mens can easily get cock in for cages, but unfortunate can no see cock once it be inside cage.
No exercise - mens with sedentary lifestyles be less likely for have rage hard-ons.
Drink for excess - excessive alcohol restrict blood flow for gashooshlank and affect testosterone production.
Use illegal drugs -Marijuana and cocaine can damage blood vessels and/or restrict blood flow to the gashooshlank.
Get complete stress out - stress and anxiety be lead cause of temporary problems with erection.

Svutlana vice for you be that you get yourself complete stress out before you try other methods, Slave Adam. But most of all Svutlana recommend you stay exact as you be: guarantee me, Goddess Mary enjoy extreme much for try different methods for tame you.

Warm regard you,
Svutlana

Svutlana try for address problem in Ohio

2011-09-27T09:11:00.002-04:00

Svutlana,

My fiancé and I have been together almost three years now. Our sex life is good but to my mind not the greatest (although he thinks it is). I am the one who wants to try new things, roleplay, incorporate new sex positions into the mix. I am into BDSM and have brought it up to him now a couple of times, but after I bring it up nothing happens. I feel like we are not on the same wavelength sexually, and I do not know what to do! Also, he has NEVER given me an orgasm. Is that normal? I was thinking about getting some games, etc for the bedroom and see if that helps.

Any suggestions?

Thanks
Sexually frustrated in Ohio

Dear Ms Ohio,

Thank you too much for letter that ask if it be normal for be in relationship for three year with no orgasm. Answer be emphatic NO that have nothing for do with what be normal and what no be normal and everything for do with how sex life make you feel. Profuse apologize Svutlana in advances for say, but if you feel frustrate with think sex life be good but no great now, you go out of mind with think sex life be bad or worse after you be marry.

That be said, it be up for you for do more than 'bring up' BDSM, Ms Ohio. Need you for do more than point for item BDSM on flip chart or present fiancé with Have You Absolute No Clues game and ask him for tie you up in library with rope and pretend for be Colonel Mustard who try for find Miss Scarlet who be locate somewheres inside your vagina along with dice, pistol and candlestick.

Guarantee me, fiancé have orgasms and be happy happy for continue with sex life as it be. Need you for tell fiancé that sex life as it be no be acceptable and if it no improve for you, you can absolute no marry him. If fiancé make fuss about, need you for put in terms he can understand: would he marry you if you NEVER give him orgasm? Again profuse apologize me for say, but if fiancé think sex life be great when it be so-so, it be your fault for no provide accurate feedbacks, Ms Ohio.

Desire for avoid situation like this be why satisfaction survey cards be beside every bed in Svutlandia. But sometime survey card tell us what we no want for hear, that lovers be on different wavelength that be almost impossible for reconcile. Try for reconcile different sexual wavelength be little bit like try for get mens who like easy listen radio station for appreciate heavy metals. And vice versa for you, Ms Ohio. At best you tolerate each other sexual tastes and if be in moods pretend for like, but easy listen will always feel unnatural for you and you will never be able for orgasm for Josh Groban.

Profuse apologize Svutlana for last times, but in ends you may need for dump easy listen fiancé and find heavy metal lover, Ms Ohio.

Svutlana

Svutlana think about difference between apple and orange

2011-09-25T09:02:00.005-04:00

Svutlana,

What is more important to a woman, to last longer in bed or to give her orgasm? I have asked around and women keep telling me it's like comparing apples to oranges. I need an answer!

Dear Mr Apples,

Thank you too much for question that Svutlana give you simple answer for: give womens orgasm be more important than how long you last, Mr Apples. If give womens orgasm, chance be that you last more long because while concentrate on give womens orgasms it be about her pleasures little bit more than it be about yours. Maybe womens say it be like compare apple for orange because forget for say that apple be rotten.

It confuse me little bits that you make two options sound mutual exclusive, Mr Apples. Suggest me you no say for womens that you can last long or give orgasm because for sure they think that binary options be way you operate. Maybe somewheres down lines you say you can be faithful or you can be bore lover; you can perform cunnilingus with nose or you can perform anal please with toe; you can wear clown costume for bed or you can come dress as mime; you can write for Svutlana or you can do kegels.

Suggest me you do kegels and become student of assort sexual techniques for last more long and give womens orgasm, Mr Apples. Svutlana do two set of kegels in your honor while drink cup of coffee.

Svutlana

"My relationship be perfect except for one thing..."

2011-09-22T09:11:00.002-04:00

Svutlana,

I have one question that I'm pretty sure no one has asked you.

I have been with my fiancé nearly two years now and our lives are perfect to me except for one thing: he has very low sex drive, both due to a lot of work and the way he naturally is. I have a very high sex drive. He is able to go several weeks without much sexual contact whereas I start to get physically and emotionally frustrated after a week or two. I hate getting angry at him for it since it's not his fault at all.

So here's my question, is there any way to LOWER my sex drive? In a healthy non-invasive way? Without any type of drugs or medication?

How do I shift into a lower gear?

Dear Ms Gear,

Thank you too much for question that Svutlana never get ask before, although it be in category of question that Svutlana get ask many time that be "My relationship be perfect except for one thing...". And one thing always be like "My vacation be perfect in every ways except catch me little bit hepatitis C..."

It be no small thing hepatitis C, and it be no small thing for be in lifetime relationship where there be sex drive mismatch, Ms Gear. It be extreme noble that you want for bring libido down for husband-for-be level, but try for keep libido down be like try for keep beach ball under waters. Can try for artificial suppress with hold tight between knees under water, but guarantee me, once you be marry this beach ball you try for keep artificial low will shoot straight out of water and land in lap of other mens who have high libido like you.

Vice Svutlana always give for couple who want for marry with mismatch libido be think two time before do and if still want for marry, think again two more time.

Svutlana

Svutlana get question about bondage yield

2011-09-20T08:30:00.002-04:00

Svutlana,

Is bondage in foreplay sexual fantasy?or not? in what percentage?
if the answer is yes then how can we convince and perform on wife?
what do u think is the big turn on--tape gagged or cloth gagged or cleave gagged?
any specific color of cloth or tape?
tied with clothes on, naked or lingerie?
which is more sexual, hands tied behind back or in front?
color of lingerie?
will it be enjoyable for her or not?
if yes, then how do I perform foreplay in this scenario?

Dear Mr Bond,

Yike! Sometime Svutlana get question that take away breath. Guarantee me, if you present this question for wife, she will take away your breath and half your assets, Mr Bond. For sake of heavens, give yourself good shake.

Naked.
With black rope.
Tie for bedroom door knob.
Enjoy.

Serious, you ask question with no answers. When you go for holiday, ask you about percentage of peoples you will meet who will be rude for you? There be no bondage stage directions that Svutlana can give you for your bondage performance and no ways for identify womens who be in for bondage except maybe strappy sandal, but maybe this womens want for perform tie up on you.

Bondage be something that you raise gentle with partner and pursue slow, Mr Bond. If she be in for, you can experiment with different style of bondage in different colors. Experimentation be fun part of happy happy where most mishap and hilarities happen. If Svutlana give you answer, then miss you chance for laugh and me chance for follow-up ball gag question.

Extreme tight regard you,
Svutlana

Svutlana discover royal flush

2011-09-17T09:56:00.004-04:00

Believe or no, Svutlana be in markets for toilet. Go for toilet store where Svutlana meet nice mens Mr Peter who talk about flush technologies and water consumptions and comfort seats. Svutlana appreciate septical perspective of those who deny they produce body waste in large quantities and want for make it disappear as quick and efficient as possible, but Svutlana be more interest in style of toilet and gravitate for toilets that look like maybe belong in cistern chapel.

Mr Peter say if want for see funky toilet worthy of exhibit in Museum of Modern Arts, Svutlana should go home and google Numi...

Think Svutlana that maybe Kohler position Numi as accompaniment for romance evening in glass lavatorium. Toilet provide ambient lights and play musics. As Numi open, mens move closer for womens. Maybe Numi extend commode hither invitation for couple for little bit pee-way.

Have me no ideas about you, but Svutlana be draw for strange beauty of Numi that seem for me for be, in words of Abraham Masloo, full-actualize toilet.

And integrate bidet feature with pulsations, oscillations and waves make Svutlana think that if Numi be in moods, Numi can definite dumi...

Svutlana

Have You Been Working Out?

2011-09-16T08:29:00.001-04:00

Svutlana present for you advertise campaign inspire by Mr Dick who experience spontaneous growth of gashooshlank after he start for work out.

Svutlana do 1/4 inch more junk science

2011-09-15T07:47:00.000-04:00

Hi Svutlana,

I am a 42 year-old man, married for 16 years. A few weeks ago my wife told me that my penis was thicker and longer... I told her it was impossible at my age (although I have been working out lately). After measuring it we concluded that I was 1/4 inch longer than before... How can this be possible?!?

Dick

Dear Mr Dick,

Thank you too much for question about spontaneous growth of gashooshlank at age 42. It be little bit like discover $20 bill inside husband pocket when do laundries when you discover after sixteen year of marry that husband grow thicker and 1/4 inch longer penis.

In other word, it be nice for find $20 but there no be much you can do with, Mr Dick. Profuse apologize me if offend you in any ways, but Svutlana simple say that, once pass micropenis milestone, length of gashooshlank no be high on list of Svutlana need-for-have. See me far too much idea that measure of man be measure of penis and longer penis be, shorter tend for be mens perception that they actual need for do something when make happy happy aside from present membership and demand for be let in.

Like Svutlana grandmother Svutnana always say when results of Svutlandia gashooshlank census come out and Svutlana grandfather be in first half of second quartile, "There be more than one way for win a twat."

All that be said, from perspective of junk science, present you interest phenomenon, Mr Dick. It seem for me that it be possible that penis grow when you work out because when you work out you increase blood supply everywhere inside body. Gashooshlank be feed more blood and therefore, at least in theory, as more blood enter gashooshlank it can become more big.

Svutlana add increase penis length and girth for long list of benefits for peoples who perform regular exercises. Maybe promise of bigger dick that even wife will notice would actual get mens for go for gym. Svutlana work on ad campaign for next post...

Svutlana

Like one swallow no make summer, one swallow no make hummer

2011-09-13T09:35:00.002-04:00

Svutlana,

When I give my boyfriend a blowjob...I try to swallow all his cum when he ejaculates but I can only handle swallowing a little and I usually pull away soon after...Is this bad? Should I not even try at all or is it good that I at least swallow a sample?

Dear Ms Sample,

Thank you too much for blowjob etiquette question on topic of swallow, but find Svutlana this question little bit distaste, so will only answer first part of.

Serious, it seem for me that you try extreme hard for do something you no exact want for do in way that please both you and boyfriend. You try for swallow ejaculate, Ms Sample. It no be like boyfriend work hard all days with prepare osso bucco for you and you feel you must at least have taste of what come attach for bone so that he no be offend. Boyfriend present ingredients for you and you prepare them, Ms Sample. In Svutlana opinion, you no need for sample recipe when you be one who serve it up.

Watch you too many cook shows where womens be happy happy for swallow everything that be aim in their general directions and will even eat what miss mouth and land on floor.

Guarantee me, boyfriend be happy happy for be on receive end of blowjob and if he be type of mens who insist that you swallow when you would rather no, there probable be many other things you find distaste that he insist you do. Please no swallow one bit if you no want for do, but no set up spit bucket beside bed or abandon gashooshlank for ejaculate alone with spew all over places like when Svutlana let go of garden hose. Simple replace mouth with hand (or vagina, if you be extreme fast pommel horse womens) and point gashooshlank at target somewhere inside room or on body where you want ejaculate for land.

In Svutlandia, Ring-my-bell Toss Off be event at annual sex picnic with whoever have ejaculate that land on top plate get assort prizes depend on how far away plate be. Maybe this give you ideas, Ms Sample.

Svutlana

Svutlana do junk science

2011-09-10T14:36:00.006-04:00

Svutlana,

I have a question that has me puzzled and I hope you can help me out. My wife is a nurse and somewhat uptight in the bed when having sex. On the rare occasion that she is on top she will ask me what I want her to do. I have said to her go down on me, and it must not register.

My question is do women prefer to have a guy say go down on me and suck my penis and testicles, or if it is a very hot time should I say go down and suck my dick and balls? What should I call my junk so that it registers?

Fellate Joe

Dear Mr Fellate Joe,

You no leave name, so Svutlana must give name for you, Mr Fellate Joe, that also be answer for your question. It seem for me that wife who work in profession where stroke be call cerebrovascular accident and SOB be short of breath that she would prefer you for use clinical term please perform fellatio or emergency room term PPF rather than slang term such as give me blowjob, blow me, suck me off, bob your head, bob on my knob, give me head, suck chrome off my tail pipe, give me cone, get your knees dirty, give me gobbie, give me hummer, pretend you be hoover, play my skin flute or smoke my pole. In Svutlana opinion, suck penis and testicles be too Gray's Anatomy and suck dick and balls be no enough shades of gray.

All that be said, think me you have much more big problem than semantics, Mr Joe. Have you what we call in Svutlandia sementic problem. Svutlana apologize profuse in advances for say, but guarantee me, wife "register" your comment. Wife register your comment under "NO NO NO!"

If wife hear "go down on me" and need further clarify as for what exact this mean, for sure she ask you. Wife hear "go down on me" and say for self, Will pretend me for no hear this request because...:

a) be me in no moods for suck dick and balls after spend all days with nurse intimate body parts;
b) have me absolute ideas how for suck dick and balls, so will no bother with try;
c) have me gross aversions for approach genitalia with mouth and will never hear me this sick sick sick answer from husband in response for my polite question that ask me on rare occasion where find myself on top of him in modest state of arousal.

Svutlana suspect correct answer for multiple choice be c.

Wife have what we call in Svutlandia blowblock where poor womens be cock-a-block with sexual repressions. Only cure for blowblock be mindblow sex that complete dislodge blowblock and open sexual floodgates, Mr Fellate Joe. Need you either for take wife on trip for Svutlandia Sex Institute where we put her inside assort de-repression chambers (something like if Disney have BegCock Center) or take her for your local team of sex therapist who have arsenal of buzz machines, Candida Royale porns and several boxes of Godiva chocolates.

Good luck for you and warm regard you too much,
Svutlana

Svutlandia Sex Glossary Definition for Day

2011-09-09T08:11:00.000-04:00

Sacrificial Glans: When somebody offer their genitals for someone in needs.

Svutlana think about all that Chaz

2011-09-08T08:10:00.000-04:00

Hey Svutlana,

Here's a mustard pack for you: what do you think of Chaz Bono on Dancing with the Stars?

Cha-Cha-Charles

Dear Mr Cha-Cha-Charles,

Thank you too much for throw Chaz Bono at me, Mr Cha-Cha-Charles.

Mr Chaz say he just be regular guy and nobody need for think beyond this. Svutlana be happy happy for regular way Mr Chaz think about self and for sure he seem like nice, well-adjust mens, but guarantee me, there be few peoples who share his lay back perspective.

Rough half peoples who watch DWTS be wonder what exact be inside Mr Chaz pant and if it be capable of rise for occasions. And close for 100% will look at little Chastity, imitation-Cher-Chastity and grow-up Mr Chaz and wonder what for fuck happen...

Pop psychologist for sure say that if ever there be case of somebody who want for define self as distinct from famous heterosex mother who never want for age or put on one pound, Chaz Bono seem for find correct formula. Svutlana think maybe there be element of anti-Cher in Mr Chaz, but this definite no be whole story.

While ponder Mr Chaz, come Svutlana across this quote from Judith Butler:

There is no gender identity behind the expressions of gender... identity is performatively constituted by the very 'expressions' that are said to be its results.
(Ms Judith also say every sex position be fundamental comic--want Svutlana too much for send fawn email for this extreme fascinate American philosopher!)

Think me long times about Ms Judith quote that basical say gender be self-perpetuate performance that we make up as we go along. In other word, everybody be in drag, no just drag queen dress as Cher...

We all imitate who we think our gender is suppose for look and behave like and this be how we come for believe in and identify with our gender. Svutlana simple be version of womens that Svutlana make up. If put Svutlana in for forest for five days--and believe or no Svutlana do this--eventual Svutlana, with no make-up or normal gender cues, begin for get little bits confuse about what gender Svutlana is suppose for be.

Chaz Bono make me think about times Svutlana feel like mens trap in womens body, like when enter make-up domain of department store where there be too many mirrors and lights be too bright and make-up womens with make-up faces be poise with perfume bottles like little grenades and look for someone for squirt. Svutlana always make wide detour around make-up zone lest somebody discover that Svutlana no pass clinique trial as real womens.

If Chaz Bono appearance on Dance with Stars can make even one person think about own gender performance with little bit more honesty and open-mindedness, then in Svutlana opinion, Chaz Bono provide valuable pubic service. Unfortunate, most will look at Dance with Stars as freak show because if Chaz be freak, they never have for look at how, when it come for gender, there be no there (Cher or Herr) there.

Svutlana

Does orgasm make womens fall in love?

2011-09-06T07:11:00.001-04:00

Does the oxytocin that orgasms produce really make women fall in love?

Ms Oh Oh Oh

Dear Ms Oh Oh Oh,

Have Svutlana absolute no ideas if oxytocin from orgasms make womens fall in love, Ms Oh Oh Oh, but it definite no hurt situations. Serious, idea that womens be at mercy of oxytocin and will fall in love at pop of twats be complete absurd and insult for all womens. Oxytocin love drug theory make womens sound like princess in fairytale who must be extreme careful lest guy in bar who be Curious George disguise for one evening as George Clooney cast magic love spell.

That be said, there be too many womens who allow magic love spell for be cast with no oxytocin. These womens cast spell upon self with say, "Prince Charm no give me orgasms now, but will learn for give me pleasures in times, perhaps several months or years after marry...oh, love me too much this mens of mine!! Where can find me book on how for complete blow Prince Charm mind with tip of tongue on perineum and little bit Greek-style yoghurt?"

For these womens Svutlana vice be no commit for Prince Charm until he be present in room where oxytocin cocktail complete blow your mind. For rest of us, simple let orgasm be nice reward for sexual stimulus and no let fictitious threat of oxytocin love spell complete ruin casual sex.

Svutlana

Quote for Day

2011-09-04T11:06:00.002-04:00

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.
--HG Wells

Love me this HG Wells quote too much because it have especial significance for happy happy that seem for attract more than its share of moral indignations.

For sure nobody who read Svutlana blog ever express moral indignations, but you no have for go far for find somebody who call homosex peoples barbarians...

or become extreme angry at marital infidelities of complete strangers...

or express outrages at police officer who receive award for go above and beyond duties when he decide for make happy happy on jobs...

It seem for me that world be complete overcome with sexual jealousies.

Jealousy that come from moral indignations be green psychological energy source that with addition of little bit self-awareness can be recycle as positive sexual energy. In Svutlandia when you turn green envy in for orgasm, we say you come green.

What happen for peoples who follow Svutlana vice?

2011-09-02T09:32:00.000-04:00

Dear Svutlana,

I've been reading your blog for a long time, and enjoy it very much. It still amazes me how much there is to learn, and I especially like the way you handle the English language. (I fear it may one day break my brain, but that's a price I'm willing to pay)

Since you have so many people who ask you for advice, I figure you must've gotten some return emails from people who have taken your advice, and how it has worked out for them. Would you mind posting some of these emails? I've been reading the archives for quite a while now, and I constantly wonder whatever became of the people who write you.

Thank you for your blog, and your time.

-p

Dear P,

Thank you too much for kind letter, P. Can no explain exact how Svutlana handle English language, but it seem for me that we have sadomasochistic relationship and this be why Svutlana blog hurt so much.

Believe or no, have Svutlana no even one follow up emails for post and this hurt me extreme much because Svutlana want for help peoples with sex problems and have no fuck ideas if do except on occasion where sympathetic comments seem for back up Svutlana vice.

Would love me too much for post letter from Mr Lose Balls who say he find professional womens who masterful kick him in testicles, or letter from Ms Key who say she be comfortable with place husband gashooshlank in chastity device and that he can now clean floor with tongue better than Swiffer, or Ms Surprise (who be extreme surprise for discover daughter figure out how for use buzz machine at age seven) get over trauma of discover that children have capacity for enjoy physical pleasures as much as adults, but lack sexual framework for fuck pleasures up.

For be honest, P, think maybe some peoples write for Svutlana just for see how Svutlana react, like peoples throw mustard packet for orangutan in zoo for see what happen. Maybe orangutan ignore mustard packet complete. Maybe orangutan figure out how for open packet. Maybe orangutan open packet and apply mustard for face. Maybe orangutan eat packet whole without bother for open. Or maybe orangutan secret open packet and spray crowd with contents while jump up and down and laugh maniacal.

If Svutlana can no demonstrate that Svutlana help peoples with vice column, it be my most profound hope that Svutlana maybe entertain you with antics. For sure together we can learn something about condiments of sex, so feel free for throw me your mustard packets and see what happen.

Warm regard you too much!

Svutlana xoxo

Svutlana Review Book EROS: Love Life in Ancient Greece

2011-08-07T02:29:00.008-04:00

Oh, wish me too much for say Eros book that Svutlana buy from carousel at hotel in Crete because picture on cover seduce me be extreme illuminate and entertain, but let Svutlana put this way: if Eros book be lover, this lover would be extreme knowledgeable about sex but with absolute no passions and with premature ejaculations. Never read me book that end so sudden. Final sentence of book be:

Apart from their Dionysiac and apotropaïc character, they undoubtedly also served to entertain and to arouse erotic inclination.

Above sentence basical say that dildoes can be use in festivals that feature Dionysos who be god of wine and ritual ecstasies, for keep evil spirits away and for occasional mock fuck. If Svutlana write Eros book, would sign off with say dildo be good place for conclude book on ancient Greece that be extreme phallocentric culture. Thank you too much for read Eros book that hopeful teach you something about happy happy in ancient Greece. Eros book end now...you may have orgasm with stone dildo if you wish.

It be painful for read book that give it to you hard with absolute no linguistical lubrications, but Svutlana still manage for learn following about love life in ancient Greece from Eros book:

1. Zeus (pronounce Zeffs in Greek) definite get around. If you look at two euro Greek coin (perhaps you no have one handy, so Svutlana provide one for you)...

there be picture of womens who ride bull in reverse position. Accord for tour guide on bus for hike inside Samaria gorge that put Svutlana on verge of vomit because bus continue for go up and down and round hairpin turn, womens on two euro coin be Europa who ride bull who be Zeus. Apparent, Zeus like for disguise self as bull for seduce womens because for some reasons he think chicks dig bulls. Some mens still think womens dig bull.

2. Womens have basical six sexual options in ancient Greece. One, can be cheap whore also know as porne who provide variety of sexual services for many mens at reasonable costs. Two, can be symposia sex worker who entertain with dance, engage in wit conversations and provide sexual services at symposia where mens get together for talk philosophies and have drunken orgies. Three, can be higher class of prostitute know as hetaera or courtesan who have fair meaningful spiritual and physical relationship with small number of eminent mens. Four, can be wife who look after house and reproduce. Five can be concubine who be somewhere between courtesan and wife who live with mens under same roof as wife but with job describe that exclusive be care for mens. Six be sacred prostitute who work in temple of Aphrodite as sexual priestess.

Which of six sex roles would you choose? If Svutlana be force for choose...

Sacred Prostitute look extreme nice on business card.

3. Much be write about homosexuality in ancient Greece, in particular pederasty where older mens court adolescent boys for mentor in exchange for admire young body up extreme close. Also prevalent in ancient Greece be bare boners homosexuality that be practice in Sparta where mens live together for years of military train and become extreme close even for point of marry.

For some reasons, centrality of homosexuality in ancient Greece be sore spot for many modern Greeks who be uncomfortable with talk about and will quick change conversation for English word that have Greek source rather than explain for Svutlana exact what older mens-adolescent boys relationship entail and specific what Eros book refer for as 'relax between thighs' mean.

Apparent, relax between thighs no mean oral sex that be first thing that pop in for Svutlana mind when think about something relaxing for do between thighs. Relax be where older mens rub gashooshlank between thighs of young boys who look in for distance with boredom until older mens ejaculate.

4. Maybe you wonder how Svutlana know that young boys in ancient Greece look bore while older mens relax between their thighs. Have us vases that be main source of informations about sex in ancient Greece. Maybe vases no be reliable source for informations and unfortunate Svutlana vases say absolute nothing about Svutlana sex life, but vase painters be big time profession for artists in ancient Greece who paint vases for contain wine that be serve at symposia for excite participants. Vases provide wealth of interest informations and continue for be rich source for generate plethora of Greek sex position souvenirs.

Here be fair typical courtship scene on vase in which older mens present what look like rubber chicken but apparent be mutton leg for young mens with hula hoop

In summaries, Eros book provide some valuable informations about happy happy life in ancient Greece, but if want for be entertain with history of sex, in Svutlana opinion, it be far better for turn on History Channel...

Svutlana Continue Search for Minotaur

2011-08-05T10:12:00.002-04:00

Svutlana spend several day on Crete with search for Minotaur and all that find me be two intrigue signs:

Svutlana no have dog for groom, but like me this entrepreneurial style.

Maybe Svutlana should abandon search for Minotaur and go for beach in search for sand witches.

Svutlana be complete engorge in Crete at moments, but will return for blog soon with review of extreme fascinate book Svutlana read about love life of ancient Greeks.

Yiasas!

Svutlana perform happy happy excavations at Acropolis Museum

2011-07-31T10:47:00.005-04:00

Believe or no, Svutlana go for Acropolis Museum that be vote best museum in world accord for nice womens from Maine who tell Svutlana what tour guide tell her. Actual, British travel writers declare museum for be Best Worldwide Tourism Project in 2010 that sound for Svutlana like Greek high school student make Acropolis Museum out of cereal boxes and Pez dispensers and present it on table inside school gymnasium.

In case image of cereal boxes give you wrong impressions, this be what Acropolis Museum actual look like...

Acropolis Museum be build on archeological site with many glass floors so visitors can see excavations below. On second floor of museum you can see visitors on first floor and visitors on first floor can look up and see you and your pantie if you be wear skirt like Svutlana. Is fun for be museum exhibitionist and enable others for perform visual excavations on you. Here be card that go with Svutlana exhibit:

Svutlana wear two pair of pantie because put on black pair first thing in mornings then decide at last minutes for wear white skirt and rather than dirty two pantie in one days, put white pantie on top of black pantie for hide black through skirt. For sure archeologist have troubles with think like Svutlana and mystery of double pantie remain unsolve forever. Wonder me how many archeological mysteries have such banal explanations as this.

What definite no be banal be sculptures inside Acropolis Museum. Svutlana can no help but be strike by how many male sculptures be complete nude and female sculptures be dress like Hilary Clinton on diplomatic mission for Dubai. Scholars say kore sculptures be generic anonymous offerings for goddess Athena and goddess Athena prefer womens in pantsuit or long dress and mens who be nude. If Svutlana be goddess, would probable have same sculptural guidelines.

Apparent, there be little modest about male genitals in ancient Greece and accord for tour guide in museum, genitals be consider for be good luck charms. This give Svutlana ideas. Why no make genital good luck charms as part of Svutlana Horniness Project? Can use clay or plasticine or little bit Play Doh. Simple make mold of own genital for display in curio cabinet or do like this womens do with make genitals from what Svutlana hope be recent memories...

It be amaze what visit for Acropolis Museum do for Svutlana Horniness Project. Even museum full of artifacts from dead civilizations can enliven sexualities.

Tomorrow, Svutlana Horniness Project travel for Crete in search for Minotaur inside labyrinth--half mens, half bull, for sure large testicles.

Svutlana Horniness Project Continue in Greece...

2011-07-27T07:11:00.003-04:00

Apologize Svutlana profuse for be away from Svutlana blog, but be me extreme extreme busy with pack up horniness project and take for Greece.

There be much for make Svutlana horny here in Greece, and it surprise me little bits that Greece no promote itself as most sexy country with use Durex condom survey of over 26,000 peoples for back ups:

Greece should be proud for be number one in world in happy happy with extreme impressive five-point margin over Brazil. Unfortunate, Unite State come in nineteen place with 53% of peoples who make happy happy at least one times per week. Svutlana theory for Unite State surprise low rank be that Bible belt maybe be little bits too tight and cut off circulations for genitals.

If Svutlana be in charge with promote Greece that unfortunate get lot of bad press for financial mismanagements and for serve molotov cocktails on streets, would stamp me every Greek travel brochure with big latex glow-inside-dark seal of approve that say "Come for Greece that be World #1 for Happy Happy!" And, if want for solve debt problem immediate, Svutlana simple solution be for charge Hellenic User Fee (HUF that Ariana Huffington personal enforce and collect) each times somebody outside Greece use word with Greek origin such as homophobia or dogma or eureka or apply Pythagorean theorem or attend theatrical performance (especial if it be tragedy) or have democratic election, Platonic relationship, Socratic dialogue or Pap(anicolaou) test.

This blog post cost Svutlana 10 Euros in Hellenic User Fees that apply me for Greek economy with buy two tickets for Acropolis Museum as next excursion for Svutlana Horniness Project.

αγάπη εσείς πάρα πολύ

love you too much!